What Is A Mother Worth

Writen by Paul Martin

The Wall Street Journal recently took a look at several different methods one might use to quantify the value of a stay-at-home mother. Considering what it would cost to pay someone from outside the family to take on all the responsibilities a mother fulfills, the estimates ranged up to over $130,000 per year.

It's nice to see people making an honest effort to show the great value stay-at-home mothers contribute to their families and society. Still, we all know that no dollar amount can be placed on what it is worth to a child to have devoted, caring parents who are actually there for them.

The proof is in what happens when a child does *not* have parents like that.

Every day we are bombarded by statistics showing that today's generation of teens is the most poorly educated, most promiscuous, most heavily drug and alcohol using group of the past century. And what is the single most frequently cited characteristic correlated with teens in these categories? It isn't poverty, if that is what you were thinking. It is a lack of parental involvement in their lives, especially among children who have either only one parent (in which case that parent must spend the majority of their time supporting the family financially), or have two parents working outside the home.

For many families, this is an unavoidable reality. In today's America, wages and salaries have not even remotely kept up with the rise in housing prices and overall cost of living over the past 25 years.

But for many more families, this is a conscious choice. The values of our society now dictate that any mother (or father) who chooses to devote their work day to their children is a drag upon the economy and a waste of talent. Especially where my family recently lived for seven years, in Silicon Valley, it is common for a single household to have two incomes, each in the $75,000-$150,000 range. Is there any financial need for two such incomes? Not unless having a mansion and a Hummer fit your criteria for needs.

Children growing up in such a family are not truly raised by their parents, as they only spend a handful of hours with them each day. They are raised first by a nanny or daycare, then by their peers and teachers at school, and most importantly, by the television. Is it any wonder then when the children hit their teenage years and their parents feel like they hardly know them sometimes?

Interestingly, one effect of this situation, not only in America but throughout the Western World, has been the de-valuation of children as a group. If careers and material goods come first, then children can be a serious hindrance. So instead of parents viewing their children as blessings, they end up viewing them as sacrifices they are only willing to make one or two times.

The result is a massive decline in population in these countries. America itself recently fell below the 2.1 children per family that a nation needs to sustain its population. In Europe, the number of children per family now ranges from 1.82 in Ireland to a paltry 1.25 in Poland.

To understand what that means, consider this. Spain, with a birth rate of 1.28 children per family, is on track to lose 25 percent of their population by 2050. Those that remain will be disproportionately retired and elderly, thereby destroying any possibility for Social Security-style support programs or a properly functioning economy. Similar futures are in store for every other nation in Europe, and eventually America as well.

So what is a stay-at-home mother worth? It cannot be measured in dollars. The very existence of a healthy, thriving society depends upon adults making the decision that the next generation, their children, is more important to them than monetary gain, professional prestige, or the convenience of "not having to drag the kids around."

If parents do not exert their talents and energies on their #1 responsibility, the raising of their children, then their children will realistically be raised by the society around them. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't trust the society of Desperate Housewives and Sex and the City with raising my pet dog, much less my child.

So to you hard-working, dedicated parents, who either stay at home or have to work but do your darndest to make raising your children your first priority, I thank you. I thank you because the world of my children's future and the world of your children's future are one and the same. And the more people we have living in that world that were raised by their parents instead of their television, the better that world will be.

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Copyright, Paul Martin, Noss Galen Baby LLC 2006

Paul and Alison Martin are the owners of Noss Galen Baby LLC, a small online business dedicated to offering innovative, hard-to-find products for babies and toddlers at affordable prices.

To subscribe or to see previous issues of Paul's "Live and Learn" newsletter, please visit http://www.NossGalenBaby.com/newsletter.html.

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Loving Your Stepchildren

Writen by Judy H. Wright

Loving your step-child can be both simple and hard. It is not enough for parents, step parents and extended family to feel a deep glow of love for the children in your circle of influence. You must convey that feeling into a message that is heard, felt and integrated by the child. Children need to be told both verbally and non-verbally how much they are valued for just being them.

As I interviewed children for my latest book Raise a Confident Child, I was struck by how many children thought their parent's love was tied to their performance, character or behavior. As Jeremy told me "When ever I score at soccer, my dad really loves me."

As I teach in parenting classes across the country, many people ask me what they can do to have stronger families and more harmony at home. My answer is in the non-verbal clues we give our children. Verbal communication is the language of information and much of that is spent in lecturing, teaching and correcting our children. No wonder they tune most of it out. Studies have shown we remember only 10—20% of what we hear.

Non-verbal communication is the language of relationships and is remembered and believed 80-90% of the time. So even if you do tell your children you love them, do you show them how precious they are to you? Do your actions demonstrate that your love and acceptance is not conditional upon their school grades, soccer goals or manners at the table?

Below are 8 simple (note I did not say easy, because any positive change in behavior is hard, but the end result is well worth the effort) ways to express your love and appreciation to and for your child.

1. Play games together. From the earliest months of your baby's life, it came natural to play peek-a-boo when changing a diaper, or airplane when trying to get food into your toddler's mouth. As children get less dependent on us, we forget to play silly games to hold their attention. Bring out the board games and turn off the TV, or play tag in the backyard. Do not allow competition or winning become more important than just being together.

2. Read with or to them at least 20 minutes daily. Children, even a few months old are comforted and soothed by the sound and rhythm of your voice as you read to them. The most important sounds a child can hear come from his parents and care-givers. When you read to children, you share such an important message for them, that you value reading and learning. Snuggling up and reading every day before bedtime or while dinner is cooking should continue, even after the children can read by themselves. We found the best way to curtail arguments while the after-dinner chores were being done, was to read aloud. Good stories provide problem solving experiences and allow children to look at events in their own lives from a different perspective. Turn off the TV and turn on the imagination as you read together.

3. Start and end each day on a positive note. Remember to use body language to indicate approval. A hug, high five, pat on the back or smile says so much without saying anything verbal .It has been said that eyes are the windows of our souls. If that is indeed true, and I think it is, make sure your eyes always say "hello, I'm glad to see you and I am glad you are in my life." Recognize when your child is helpful and cooperative. Many times we take it for granted when our children do their chores without being reminded, are pleasant to the family and write down messages. However, we only react, sometimes loudly and with negative body language, when the message wasn't given, the chore wasn't done quickly enough or the attitude is less than approachable.

4. Try complimenting them at least once a day. Think of it like a daily vitamin, they may not need the supplementation today, but then again they might. Don't let a day go by without letting them know how much they are appreciated and loved. A wonderful ritual a blended family we know does is recite to children individually each night a list of all the people in their lives that love them. They end with saying, "You are such a blessed and lucky person, look how many people love and care about you."

5. Truly listen to them. One of the most effective ways to show a child you love him or her is to pay attention when they are talking. Be empathic while accepting your child's feelings and try to maintain eye contact while they are sharing with you. Children are often deeply upset over things that seem pretty trivial to adults. When we brush off or trivialize their concerns it feels like a rejection of him personally.

6. Have family meetings. It is good to remember a family is an organization. In fact, it is the basic organization of society. This is just one of the reasons I am such a proponent of family meetings. You wouldn't think of running a successful business without a plan, goal setting meetings, team building sessions and clear missions and expectations. For more information on how to set up family meetings see www.ArtichokePress.com .

7. Develop love touches and signals. The safest touch your new baby has is you. Let him feel your cheek against his sweet little head; rub his legs and arms when you change his diaper. As children grow older, surround them with love in the form of hugs, kisses, holding hands when taking a walk or even winking at them when they look at you. Develop love signals for children as they begin to draw away from displays of affection in public. Perhaps your family gives high fives, touches thumbs, or squeezes each other's hands quickly to show you are all on the same team.

8. Keep a list of reasons you admire them. Sometimes the very things that irritate us the most with children are the strengths they will need to succeed in life. We have to recognize that a stubborn child will turn into a tenacious adult, eventually.

9. Separate the deed from the doer. Remember it is the behavior that we find unacceptable not the child. There is a big difference between the two and when we are angry, we tend to lump them together. Just because John takes money from the dresser does not make him a thief. It makes him a boy who made a bad decision and needs to learn that it is not acceptable to take money or anything else from anyone without permission.

10. Don't make it or take it personal. All families have squabbles and all children say they wish their parents and caregivers were more lenient, generous or understanding. We all try to do the best we can with what we have been given, but we are the adults and must make sure that no matter what the children have given or called us, that we give them guidance, love, discipline and respect. It is our obligation to set consistent boundaries and to assist them in growing into self-directed, contributing members of society.

So often we do what is called unconscious parenting, just getting through the day. It is not that we don't love our family; it is just that the love sometimes gets lost in the translation through poor communications or unskillful methods. I would like to challenge you to be more conscious in the words and actions that affect the children in your circle of influence. Hopefully, you will find some techniques here that will assist you in your efforts.

You do the most important work in the world.

"I was a step-parent at the young age of 24 and would have appreciated the information contained within this article in relation to my role in my step-children's lives. Thank you." -Mary M. Arthur

© Judy H. Wright

Parent educator and PBS "Ready to Learn" consultant, Judy H. Wright works with Head Start staff, child care resource centers, schools and parent organizations internationally. As a powerful and popular presenter for adults who work with children, Judy's also authored over twenty books. For more information on books, clients and testimonials or to book Judy for your next event, call 1-877-842-3431 or go to www.ArtichokePress.com. She is a founding member of Montana Speakers Network and is a regional representative for National Association for Women Writers.

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Let Your Children Help You Prepare For The Big Move

Writen by Barbara Freedman-De Vito

INTRODUCTION AND INTUITION

Are you and your children moving house soon ? If you're moving to a new town or a new region, it can be rough on your children as they may feel uprooted and disoriented. Your children lose the comfort and security of the world they know - from their private spaces to their more public places: their bedroom, their house, their yard, their neighborhood, their school, their local park, their town and so forth. Worst of all, they lose regular contact with their friends and, possibly, aunts, uncles and cousins in the bargain. In addition, they suddenly find themselves the "new kids in town," trying to find their niche in a new community.

This article offers some ideas that you might try in order to ease the transition for your children. They're all just common sense, but a little advance planning can go a long way.

PREPARATIONS AND POSSIBILITIES

First of all, let your children know the reasons for the move: why you must move or why you want to move. Is it for a new job or a company transfer, or is it for further schooling or job training ? Is it for financial reasons, to be nearer to your own parents or other family members, due to a divorce or remarriage, for health reasons, for a new climate, for a change of scene, or simply for the adventure of it ? The less of a mystery it is, the more likely your children are to understand the situation and to cooperate.

Try to get your children excited about the move - the more interested they are, the more they'll look forward to it and the less they'll dwell on the wistful aspects of leaving their old home and familiar surroundings. Encourage them to research the new locale - its topography and climate, local history and landmarks. What interesting past events occurred in your new town or state or region ? What interesting places are there to see in the new area: state or national parks, historical buildings, unfamiliar birds and wildlife, local festivals, regional music styles, or fascinating local customs ? The bigger the move, the more there will be that's different and exciting. For example, when I once moved from the Northeastern United states to the Southeast, I found a fascinating and exotically unfamiliar world of azaleas, swamps, alligators and clog dancing.

Make the research into a game: utilizing Internet, library books, tourist office brochures and other information sources and encouraging your children to draw up lists of the types of things that will be new, or comparisons between their old and new locales. Have them list sites they'd like to visit and new foods and activities they'd like to try. They could list all of the positive points about the move, the advantages of the new climate, and so on.

If it's feasible, it might be nice to take your kids to see the new place in advance of the move. On the other hand, that might make the move itself anticlimatic, so it may depend on how inherently interesting the new location is. The more interesting and different from your old locale, the more a sneak preview visit might tantalize your children and peak their eagerness for the move itself. Either way, use books, Internet and travel videos to view glimpses of the new region.

When the time comes to house hunt or apartment hunt, involve your children in drawing up a list of criteria or desired features. What do you and they want in a new neighborhood: other kids to play with, proximity to stores and a school, a park, some woods to play in ? And what about your new home - will it have a big yard, lots of trees, or space for a flower or vegetable garden ? How many rooms will it have ? Will there be a bedroom for each child ?

If possible, let the children house hunt with you and then compare notes with them on each place that you visit. Keep them in on the decision-making process whenever you can. The more input they have into choosing a new home, the more quickly it will feel like home to them.

Once you've committed yourself to renting or buying a place and so know what school each of your children will be attending, let them learn all they can about it. Perhaps the school has a website that they can look at.

As you work your way through the myriad of details that you must take care of to ensure a smooth move from one locale to another (packing, moving vans, electricity, telephone lines, change of address cards...), try not to get mired down in the minutia. Be sensitive to how your kids are feeling and try to answer any questions that they might have. Weeks in advance you could help your children set up a countdown calendar to build their sense of anticipation as the big day approaches.

CONTINUITY AND CAMARADERIE

No matter how exciting the move will be, moving inevitably entails the sadness of leaving friends and, perhaps, family behind. Make time for special activities your children can do with their friends. Have special family days with grandparents or cousins, for farewell parties, and so forth, in the weeks leading up to the big move. Take lots of photos during these events.

Don't forget to collect addresses, phone numbers, email addresses and photographs of everyone that you and your children want to stay in touch with. Take home videos, too. (Later on, your children's photos, scrapbooks and home videos of life in and around their old home can be shown to new friends and complete the bridge between their old world and their new one.)

Try to think of novel ways that your kids will be able to continue established relationships. For example, your children could create a simple personal website for posting family news and recent photos and updates on their new life in the new place and for exchanging emails with old friends. They could start a group blog. Buy them pretty stationary for traditional penpal-style contact with old friends. Draw up an extensive Christmas card list that leaves out no one. Consider making advance promises (and then keeping them) for having your children's closest old friends come stay with you in your new home next summer, or whenever.

SETTLING IN AND SETTLING DOWN

As you're moving into your new home and unpacking, try to make the setting up of your children's special places a priority. Let them help make decisions about how to decorate their own rooms and make them as homey as possible as quickly as possible. Some of their old furniture and keepsakes will provide them with some security and continuity and help them settle in more quickly and easily. Don't forget other spots that contribute to making your kids feel at home - such as a playroom or a sandbox, swingset, or picnic table in the yard, depending on your children's ages and what they're accustomed to.

In addition to this, make it as easy as you can for your children to make new friends; you might have a housewarming party and invite neighborhood kids, encourage your kids to invite new schoolmates over after school, and participate in local events at school, the public library, or a nearby community center. Let them join afterschool clubs, scout troops, the local band or choir, an amateur theater group - whatever interests them. You can also get yourself involved in things that affect your children's lives: join the local carpool or the PTA, for instance. the sooner you all ease into daily routines, the more quickly you'll all feel like you're truly "home."

CONCLUSIONS AND COOPERATION

If the entire family pitches in to handle preparations for the big move, your children will feel more like they are important members of the family. Let each of them have a part to play in learning about your new locale, preparing for the move, keeping ties to loved ones in the old locale, and settling into your new home. Your children's attitudes should be improved, their excitement about the move heightened, and their fears diminished, if you make that extra effort and take that extra time to get them involved in every step of the process.

Good luck with your move, there's no place like home - be it old or new !

Visit Children's Clothing, Stories and Family Gifts from Baby Bird Productions for clothing and gift items for children and babies, all decorated with pictures from our children's stories, which are available on the site as downloads or on CDs. Barbara Freedman-De Vito is a professional storyteller.

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