Overindulgence And Overattentiveness Two Dangers Parents Must Avoid

Writen by Frank McGinty

We're all familiar with the over-indulgent parent. But there's another parenting practice that can be equally harmful: over-attentiveness.

It's possible to be one or the other - or in some cases, both!

Let's look first of all at the differences.

Over-Indulgence

I'm sure you've come across the stereotype: Parents who constantly ply their kids with material goods and treats of every kind, and who will go to any length to ensure their little darlings want for nothing, but have the biggest and best of everything.

This behaviour is always prompted by a certain lack or need within the parents. They often dote on their kids, but what such parents are really doing is attempting to work out their own inadequacies.

Perhaps they lacked attention when they were kids - and it hurt. Maybe they had to go without things - and it was humiliating. Now they make up for it by ensuring that THEIR kids have everything!

Or it could be that they lack confidence in their parenting abilities, and have no real interest in kids.

They are unsure how to relate to children, yet have a need (or at least a desire) to be liked, appreciated, or accepted - and they think over-indulging their kid's every whim is the way to do it.

This can have disastrous consequences for the child's development.

For a start, such children become self-centred, spoiled, and unhealthy. Often they become disrespectful, since children are adept at spotting parental weaknesses, which they soon come to despise.

Later in life these over-indulged kids tend to develop further problems, such as eating disorders, weight-related health issues, addictions, and they often lack patience and tolerance when they can't instantly get their own way.

Over-Attentiveness

On the other hand there can be parents who, while not over- indulging their kids, try to supervise every aspect of their lives.

They watch them at play, they stand over them doing homework, and if there's the slightest hint of a problem at school - either with a friend or a teacher - they're down there creating a scene!

This behaviour, too, is prompted by a need within the parent, usually a deep-seated fear or anxiety about the normal risks in everyday life, which they feel they must protect their children from.

The effects of over-attentiveness can be more subtle - but equally harmful.

Because such children have not been allowed to experiment with life - to climb trees and cut their knees, to have altercations with others and realise their own way is not the only, or even the best, way - they tend to develop fear and timidity whenever their mentor is not there sticking up for them.

They have been deprived of a testing-ground in which to develop their strengths and become aware of their shortcomings. This often breeds embarrassment as well as resentment, and the poor parents are baffled! They've only been doing their duty, after all!

There can be an even more serious consequence when the child becomes an adult: Decision-making becomes a problem.

Taking decisions involves the weighing up of risks, a consideration of the pros and cons in a situation. If this skill has not been developed in childhood - if the child has been deprived of the opportunity - then he will be an indecisive adult who lacks the confidence to be effective.

The Solution?

The solution for overindulgent and over-attentive parents is one I keep stressing in my writing: They need to develop confidence in themselves.

But they needn't despair, as opportunities for development abound.

If you feel any of this applies to you, check out these opportunities. Visit your local college, bookshop or library, go online - see what's on offer. You'll be spoiled for choice.

But take action. Just do it!

You can begin to understand your own needs in a relatively short time, and with insight into your own psychological and emotional make-up, you will begin to look at your kids in a different light.

You will begin to moderate the amount of indulgence, because the need to over-compensate will no longer be there.

If you recognise your own fears and anxieties, you'll be less likely to pass them on to your kids by being over- attentive.

Supervise your children and help them steer clear of danger, yes - but let them manage their own conflicts. You can be there on the sidelines with words of support, advice and encouragement - but them experience the rough and tumble of life for themselves.

Knowing you're giving your child a solid preparation for the future, you'll feel satisfaction in a job well done.

Happy parenting!

Why do some parents and children succeed, while others fail? Frank McGinty is an internationally published author and teacher. If you want to develop your parenting skills and encourage your kids to be all they can be, visit his web pages, http://www.frank-mcginty.com/peace-formula.html AND http://www.frank-mcginty.com/for-parents.html

Kids Not Listening Top 10 Tips To Deal With It

Writen by Cathy Gariety

As parents we have all faced it. The kids are not listening to you without you repeating yourself over and over and it's driving you crazy. You give them chances or count to ten and they still won't listen. Here are some tips to deal with it.

1. Consider Their Age

When I took human development in nursing school I was surprised to learn that children's nervous systems grow at a slow pace. Children simply aren't capable of some of the things we expect out of them. Don't think of them as little adults. That doesn't mean that we can't set limits. On the contrary - as parents, it's one of our responsibilities. But we may have to patiently step in to set those limits physically. Instead of telling them what to do repeatedly, tell them once - then "help" them to do what you asked. This can be done kindly but firmly and consistently.

2. Change Your Behavior

Instead of expecting them to change their behavior, change yours. What you're doing isn't working, right? Consistently being firm over a period of time will let them know what is expected of them. Children are impulsive and may be incapable of putting the brakes on themselves, no matter what we've told them to do. That's where we step in!

3. Listen to Yourself When You Talk to Them.

Are they tuning you out because everything you say is negative? If you were lecturing and yelling at me all day, I would tune out too! It's a natural reaction and unconscious for anyone to discount someone who is negative. Yet as parents, most of the time what we say has a negative tone. "Don't do this, don't do that." Quit talking or yelling so much and take action, balanced with patience, of course.

4. Don't Give Them Repeated Chances

Tell them once instead of counting to three or giving them repeated chances. Think about it - do we really expect them to move before we get to ten? When we reach ten - they know we mean business!

Being firm doesn't mean we have to be cruel or mean when we do it. Having firm limits means that we react consistently to issues when confronted with them. They know what to expect!

5. Try Lowering Your Voice Instead of Raising It!

My father was very good at this........I knew he meant business when he would lower his voice. I listened! Of course he would follow this up with action!

At the very least, the kids would know that something has changed........hmmmmmmm no yelling, that's different!

6. Keep Your Emotions in Check.

The kids are going to push you - it's one of their jobs! They'll see how far they can go and it's your job to set limits.

If you are having a problem with anger, take a deep breath. Go to another room. Ask the help of your partner. You can set up a signal beforehand with your spouse and they'll know to step in.

7. Keep in Touch With Other Parents.

Join a parenting group or online forum to get tips from other parents. Schedule a parents afternoon with friends to discuss issues and get new tips.

8. Set Time Aside for Yourself!

You need to regroup and relax. Read a book, take a bath, play golf. Anything that gives you a break and broadens your experiences.

9. Seek Professional Help.

Get professional help if you frequently get out of control or angry. Anger doesn't help and leaves you feeling guilty and creates further problems.

10. Take Care of Yourself!

Why am I including this here? Because raising a child is work and you need energy to deal with all the issues. Eat right, exercise and have regular checkups. Pretend you're running a marathon because you're in this for the long haul!

Copyright 2005 - Cathy Gariety, RN - USA

Cathy Gariety is a Registered Nurse and researcher specializing in Stress Management. She is in the process of developing programs for hospitals nationwide. Visit her website at http://www.garietygroup.com

The Value Of Being A Stayathome Parent

Writen by Tammy Paquin

Okay, I admit it; I wasn't excited about becoming a stay-at-home mom. I was working as a part-time dental hygienist and had the right combination of work and home time. My husband and I had just barely decided that I would follow a dream to go onto dental school versus having a third child (which was something I felt in my heart—but NOT our budget!) when the pregnancy test came up positive! Surprise, surprise!

The fact that we were going to have three children, two of which would need daycare and our oldest just about to start kindergarten in Catholic school, meant that it wasn't financially worthwhile for me to continue working my current schedule. In addition, it was overwhelming and nearly impossible to figure out how we would cover school holidays, vacation, snow days, and half days. We decided I would work a very limited schedule but basically become a stay-at-home mom.

I think the hardest thing about becoming a stay-at-home mom was having a feeling that I was not contributing financially to our home. Yes, I was working and bringing in a paycheck, but the $20,000 drop in my income stung. I also went from chatting with eight to ten people per day who had shared so much of my adult life (I had practiced nearly full-time for almost 10 years at that point), to being home with a 3-year-old and a newborn.

I stressed about finances, until I discovered a great online community, and they turned me on to an equally great book, "The Complete Tightwad Gazette" by Amy Dcyzyan. Both of these finds totally changed my attitude about how I contributed to the overall finances of our home!

Amy D. (as she's affectionately referred to by many of my forum members) showed me how to calculate my wage for every job I did at home. When I realized how much money I was saving by doing my "job" at home, I began to see the "wage" I was making! This concept increased my job satisfaction, tremendously! (Yes, I consider being a mom a job!) I know it's easy to say that we're paid in hugs and kisses, but unfortunately, those don't help the bottom line of our budget. By putting a value on the things I did at home, I finally felt as thought I was helping that bottom line! As a quick example, I can make homemade chocolate chip granola bars for about $1 at home, and a batch has twice as many granola bars as the store-brand bars you can buy on sale for $2.50! So, by spending 15 minutes making those bars, I save $5! That's an hourly wage of $20! Not to mention, my boys usually help me, so it doubles as quality time as well! (Did I mention you can bring your kids to work with you ALL of the time as a stay-at-home parent?)

I know as a SAHP that I say that I get paid in hugs and kisses. Now that the boys are in school more and I'm alone more, I begin to wonder about the bottom line again, and then I start to think about the "value" of being home. How much more would it cost me to work OUTSIDE the home? It's nice to be able to place that dollar value on all those things we do as a SAHP and make a more informed decision. Personally, I've figured out that it's worth it for me to be home more, so I'd better get busy making another batch of granola bars!

Tammy Paquin is a work from home mom of 3 boys and the publisher of Frugal-Families, an online resource for families, frugality, budgeting and finances.