Kid Time And Couple Time

Writen by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

A reader emailed me the following question:

"Many dads and moms, especially those that work full-time, are torn by guilt when it comes to time allocation. They have been away from the kids so long during the working week that the weekends MUST be spent with them. Result: There is simply NO couple-time. Any suggestions?"

One thing that is often not realized by parents is that a happy and harmonious marriage is one of the greatest gifts they can give to their children. Most children will gladly spend less time with their parents when they know that some of the time being spent away from them is about creating and maintaining a loving relationship between their parents.

Parents who work full time do need to be sure to spend some quality time with their children each evening. I was in this position when I was raising my three children. My husband and I would each spend an hour each evening, sometimes with one child and sometimes with two. On the weekends, we set aside some time alone with each other and alone with ourselves, which our children learned to respect. Then we spent the rest of the time in family time. Parents need to understand that they are the role models for their children, and if they are not taking responsibility for their own needs, their children will not learn to take responsibility for their own needs. What we role model regarding personal responsibility for our own happiness and wellbeing is as important as spending time with our children. Both are equally important in raising healthy children.

When parents do not find the time to be with each other or to be alone with themselves, they may need to examine what else might be going on within themselves and in the relationship. Are they using their work and their children to avoid themselves and each other? If their time alone or together is not fulfilling, then work time and kid time can be ways of filling an inner emptiness. Or, the time problems might be a result of unexamined priorities.

We all tend to do what is truly important to us. If work is important to us, then we may work a lot. If parenting is important to us, then we might spend lots of time with our children. If our creative pursuits, hobbies, or sports are important to us, then we will find time for them. The same is true for our relationship. If it is very important to us, we will find the time for it. So, if parents are not finding the time to be together, they might want to examine their priorities and explore why time together might not be important.

Often time together is important to one partner and not to the other. When this is the case, partners need to explore what is happening between them that is leading to the one partner not making time together a high priority. Some of the issues you may want to examine are:

* Is one partner fearful of being pulled on for sex?

* Is one partner fearful of being pulled on to fill up the other partner emotionally?

* Does one partner feel fearful of being criticized in various ways when they are alone together?

* Is one partner emotionally unavailable and the other partner feels lonely with him or her when they are alone together?

* Has one partner become so preoccupied with being successful or making money that they no longer have anything to talk about?

* Is fun lacking in the relationship?

* Does one partner feel resistant to being controlled by the other partner?

* Is one partner resenting the imbalance regarding work, chores and childcare?

* Is one partner feeling angry or withdrawn? If so, why?

If the real reason for not spending time together is truly about not enough time, then you need to consider how you can get help, such as hiring a neighborhood teenager, to do some chores or spend some time with young children.

If spending time together is a high priority, you can find a way!

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone Sessions Available.

Aspergers Syndrome And Unequal Reaction To Pain

Writen by Nelle Frances

As Parents, Teachers and Professionals of children with Asperger's Syndrome we are all familiar with the enigma of their unequal reaction to pain and injury. A stubbed toe or paper cut may set off a pain response (crying, screaming, and sobbing) such as is equalled by the loss of a limb; yet a burst ear drum or broken limb may go seemingly unnoticed. As carers of children with Asperger's Syndrome we are often bewildered by this 'unequal' response to pain stimuli. Anecdotal evidence from clients worldwide is full of reports on this topic. So, what's the answer to this confusing puzzle? The questions surrounding Asperger's children's unequal response to pain can be explained scientifically.

The assumption that, physiologically, humans are equipped to limit the amount of stimuli entering our brains thereby preventing the brain from becoming overloaded, has led to the establishment of a 'normal' range of feeling. However, those with Autistic Spectrum Disorder are recognised as having a hyper/hypo sensitivity to stimuli i.e. above average range of feeling or super-sensitivity, first written about in 1949 by Bergman and Escolona.

Accounts written by people with Asperger's Syndrome state that their disability is directly linked to their senses and their sensory processing. So let's look at the biochemical processes that occur when our senses are stimulated.

Stimulation from the environment enters our brain through our eyes, ears, skin, nose and mouths. Our nervous system passes this information around our brain and body by the use of biochemical neurotransmitters. The amount of stimulation felt is determined by the amount of neurotransmitter processed in each neuron. The enzyme dopamine beta hydroxylase is released from nerve endings during stimulation. Dopamine beta hydroxylase (DBH) is essential for cell communication and regulating neurons in the central and peripheral nervous systems. An increase in stimulation results in an increase in the level of this enzyme. Scientific studies have shown that individuals with Asperger's Syndrome have much higher levels of dopamine beta hydroxylase in their systems than in ordinary individuals. The presence of this enzyme is also linked to behaviours such as repetition, agitation and aggression.

Repetitious activity, such as rocking, flapping or pacing, results in the release of Endorphins through the system. Endorphins reduce the sensation of pain and have the ability to block pain. In other words, when endorphins are present, the amount of sensory reaction is reduced or stopped completely. Children with Asperger's Syndrome have the ability to purposely, but unknowingly, overload their sensory system in order to shut it down completely i.e. by rocking, flapping or pacing etc.

Blocking out all sensation by the production of endorphins might seem like a simple and easy way of coping with sensory overstimulation; however, in caring for Asperger children we must realize that reaction to ALL sensation becomes limited. They won't recognize hunger, tiredness, body temperature (risk of overheating), full bladder/bowel or pain.

Children with Asperger's Syndrome display agitation through use of repetitious behaviors such as rocking, flapping, pacing, head-banging, staring, screaming, spinning, chanting or humming. Our job as Carers, Teachers and Professionals of children with Asperger's Syndrome is to recognize these signals of agitation.

These behaviors are used to block out

· direct over stimulation from their environment;

· their emotions (happy, fearful, or excited) and

· their response to pain.

These repetitive behaviors also serve to calm an Asperger child, if their use is monitored rather than unlimited.

For Asperger children, the build-up or cumulative affect of these endorphins throughout the day also needs to be taken into consideration. This is why Asperger children who suffer accidents in the afternoon or evening may not show pain or seem to feel it.

All physical exercise causes the release of natural endorphins into the system that can help to 'protect' the child with Asperger's Syndrome without switching off the sensory response. So exercise such as walking, running, and swimming is extremely beneficial in your child's daily routine as a preventative measure. It may be used during periods of agitation to help calm the child with Asperger's Syndrome. In this way exercise is used to develop appropriate social responses e.g. it is more acceptable to jump on a trampoline rather than on the furniture.

With this information revealed it becomes obvious that we must monitor our Asperger child's production of endorphins, because the presence of excess endorphins causes them to lose the ability to respond to any stimulation. This means that children with Asperger's Syndrome miss much of what they are meant to be learning.

Also, we must realize that these stereotyped/repetitive behaviours have social consequences for children with Asperger's Syndrome – they are a visual reminder that these children are different from their peers. We must take into account the Asperger child's socializing skills and ability when monitoring and setting limits on the use of repetitive behaviors. That is, we should tell them times and places when flapping/rocking/head-banging are acceptable, for controlled periods of time.

We should not attempt to eliminate sensory stimulation in order to protect children with Asperger's Syndrome. Without stimulation, our world becomes meaningless to them. Rather we should attempt to provide them with a safe sensory environment –dim lights, softer noises/voices, reduced odors - giving them the opportunity to learn and respond appropriately.

www.nellefrances.com/tips1.html

Nelle Frances is the mother of a 15 year old with Asperger's Syndrome, a Special Needs Educator and Author of the Ben and His Helmet series of books for Asperger children. She is also an active member of 5 Asperger's Syndrome Support and Advocacy Groups. For more information and Support Strategies visit http://www.nellefrances.com/tips1.html.

Does Your Child Forget Hisher Homework

Writen by Audrey Okaneko

I used to get at least one phone call per week from my daughter. She was just frantic. She had left her homework at home and needed me to rush it over to her at school.

On the weeks she remembered her homework each day, I would get a phone call that she had forgotten her lunch and could I please bring her lunch to her as she had no money to buy lunch.

I did bail her out for a while. Then I decided it was time for her to take full responsibility and live with the consequences if she did forget something.

I worked with her to develop systems that I hoped would help eliminate these frantic phone calls and would aid her in remembering all of her materials for school.

In the evening we would develop a check list of everything she needed the next day. This list would include all homework items, along with any books needed. Often a free reading book was needed in class. We would add this to our list. Our list also included lunch, jacket and anything else that was needed the next day.

We then put this note on the front door. We had to leave through the front door in the morning and so we put the note where I knew we'd see it. A quick glance at the list would tell my daughter if she had everything she needed.

We then began a day planner. As she went through her day she would write down not only homework assignments but also what items she needed to bring home from school. If she wrote down her math homework, but left the book at school, she could not complete the homework. It was her responsibility to check her day planner to make sure she had everything she needed to bring home. With this day planner, she also knew exactly what her assignments were. No more calling friends to find out what the homework was.

We also put money in her backpack that would cover the cost of one lunch. So, should she forget her lunch at home, she always had the money to buy lunch at school.

We also developed a packing list for spending the night at a friends' house. Again, it never failed that something was left at home, either a gift, if it was a party, or a pillow or maybe a toothbrush. This packing list made it a snap to throw everything into a duffle bag and not leave something behind.

Checklists and a day planner took us from several calls in a month for forgotten items to almost never forgetting anything at home, or at school.

Audrey Okaneko is mom to two girls. She can be reached at audreyoka@cox.net or visited at http://www.scrapping-made-simple.com