Writen by Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, PhD
Your child needs specific skills to protect him/herself against sex offenders--coaches, teachers, scout leaders, clergy, youth group leaders and recreation leaders, who have easy access and built in ruses. Sex offenders in these groups are particularly difficult to spot because they can easily cover their true motivation for fostering a close relationship with a child.
The following survival skills will equip your child with the knowledge and skills to thwart the majority of would-be sex offenders.
• Trust and honor your child's intuitive reaction to everyone. If your child is uncomfortable with anyone, avoid forcing him/her to be in contact with that person. Request a different teacher, join a different league, join a different church or supervise closely if a change is not possible. Show up periodically unannounced at school, etc.
• Beware the teacher/coach who asks favors. Many adults, who were abused as a child by a teacher/coach have reported they were asked to carry items from the classroom/gym to the teacher/coach's office. Once inside the office the teacher/coach closed the door and the abuse was perpetrated. Tell your child never to enter a teacher/coach's office alone. If the teacher/coach asks a child to help carry items, ask another student to come along. If no other student agrees, decline to help. It seems perfectly natural for a teacher to ask for help and more often than not, it won't to a ruse. However, we can not underestimate the cunning tactics of a sex offender. Better to be cautious than sorry later.
• Beware anyone bearing gifts. Anyone buying a child a gift is promoting a closer relationship than the required relationship between teacher/child, coach/child, scout leader/child or child/clergy. Gift giving is not appropriate behavior for a non-parent or non-family member. Norman Watson, a coach convicted of child sexual abuse, stated he took his player/victims to the mall and bought games, clothes and athletic equipment. He acknowledged astonishment that their parent(s) did not question him or object.
• Beware the clergy person, who pays special attention to your child. Remember sex offenders spend months, even years grooming a child before any abuse is perpetrated. As with a teacher/coach a child needs to avoid being alone for any reason with a Priest, Minister, Rabbi or religious lay-person. When your child attends religious instruction--be sure to be available to pick-up your child immediately at the end. Decline one-on-one sessions--even though it might be recommended for your child to be ready for confirmation or to pass to the next level in a timely manner.
• Be wary of flattery. If a coach or teacher says she/he is the one person who can help your 'gifted' child develop into a super star or spends an unusually large amount of time with your child, be wary. This special attention could be an overture to win your trust and groom your child for seduction.
• Be present at games and practice. Avoid leaving your child at games and practice alone. This leaves your child vulnerable to being targeted as easy prey. Studies show that coaches predisposed to molesting children prey first on the child who is regularly left unattended. By being present, you are giving the message that you are attentive and actively involved in your child's activities. If you are unable to be at the game or practice ask a friend, relative or a team member's parent to be your surrogate. Inform the coach, et al who is standing in for you. This gives everyone the message that you are an attentive parent.
• Listen to and talk with your child. Discuss with your child, what is inappropriate behavior by a coach, teacher, scout leader, et al. It is inappropriate for an adult to be nude in front of the students, even though the adult is same sex. Many students have been desensitized to sexual improprieties by a coach, who showers in the same shower room and becomes 'a pal with the team.' There is no reason for the coach to be nude in the presence of the students or in the shower room while the students are showering and dressing.
• Emphasize the 'Tell Mommy and Daddy Everything' rule. Remind your child if any adult tells you, "Don't tell your parents," or "This is team building--we don't talk about this with others," that it is critical to tell, even though it may seem to be breaking the team rules.
• If your child's interest diminishes or there is a change in his/her behavior, talk with your child about what you have observed and your concerns. Talk with your child until you are satisfied the loss of interest or enthusiasm is related to something other than improper behavior by the teacher, coach, scout leader, et al.
• Stay Informed. Make sure you know where the team will be staying on a road trip. If a coach, scout leader or recreation leader says that the presence of the parent hinders team development, be wary. Make sure you know what arrangements are made for showering after the games or practices and sleeping on out of town trips.
There is no foolproof method of preventing sex offenders from abusing a child. They are cunning predators, who have perfected their skills to get what they want. Therefore, you need to heed and investigate any warning signals or if your child has stated or alluded to any inappropriate behavior. Do not stop until you are satisfied that whatever was troubling your child is resolved.
Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, PhD, author, "If I'd Only Known...Sexual Abuse in or Out of the Family: A Guide to Prevention, specializes in: Mind, Body, Spirit healing and Physical/Sexual Abuse Prevention and Recovery. As an inspirational leader, Dr. Neddermeyer empowers people to view life's challenges as an opportunity for Personal/Professional Growth and Spiritual Awakening. http://www.drdorothy.net |
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