Mom Dad And The Big Brother

Writen by Alexandra Gamanenko

Software for parental control is a useful tool, if applied right. Millions of parents in the USA alone do check their kids' online behavior. In November 2004 a telephone survey made by the Pew Internet and American Life Project showed that:

54% of families with computers connected to the Internet either used filtering technologies to block potentially harmful content or have some kind of monitoring software installed.

Nearly three-quarters of the teens surveyed said that their home computer is located in a place like living room, 64 percent of parents said they set rules about their children's time online.

One can find anything in the Internet, and a certain share of its content isn't suitable for kids or even teenagers. Filtering Web content becomes common in American families, and nobody argues that it is reasonable. Restricting the time teenagers spend in front of the screen is a good idea, too--we care for our kids' health.

But should everybody who has a teenage son or a daughter apply software for monitoring his or her computer activity? Not just checking the browsing history, but monitoring every keystroke your kid makes? Do we have to do it? Please think a bit.

My opinion is that monitoring software is "strong medicine". Like any medicine, it has its own side effects which can be worse than the disease. Any medicine, if overused, can do harm.

I am well aware about threats children can face in cyberspace. We all are. You sure know about these dangers, too. Predators lure kids away from home to rape and kill. Suspicious "friends" your kid meets online --who knows who they are and what they might teach your son or daughter? What is he or she chatting about--and with whom? All this never leaves minds of overworked, ever-busy parents.

But all the same--monitoring software isn't a panacea, though advertising sometimes tries to prove the opposite. If you are going to install a program that logs everything done on a computer, answer this question:

What exactly do you want to achieve? Make your kid obey the rules or to catch him/her red-handed?

Most likely, first. Have you exhausted all other means? If yes, try to answer the next question:

If you are prohibiting something, does your teenager know why?

Remember what most people usually say to a toddler if he plays with a knife. They try to EXPLAIN -- even to such a small kid -- WHY NOT. Are you sure your much-older-and-smarter teenager knows WHY he or she shouldn't reveal phone numbers, address, and other personal information?

As for not visiting sleazy sites, your teenager is much more likely to obey rules if you say you care not only for him/her (but of course you do), but also for the computer. So, now you are not lecturing your almost-grown-up kid, you are reminding about information security.

Viruses, worms, Trojan Horses--teenagers know these words, and they do know where they are most likely to pick this crap. If your kid doesn't know it (though it's unlikely), EXPLAIN. If you don't know it, LEARN about it and explain.

Where to learn? In lots of places. For example, here are good sources of information. What's more, they are interesting and in plain English:

http://www.msn.staysafeonline.com/

http://www.staysafeonline.info/home-tips.html http://www.getnetwise.org/

Look at these as well. Tastes differ, but your teenager might find them interesting:

http://www.msn.staysafeonline.com/default2.htm http://www.safekids.com/

A simple search will bring you much more information. It will be very useful for you as well.

If you think you should apply monitoring software anyway, consider this:

Think at first what if tour son or daughter finds out that you have been logging every keystroke? Be prepared to face it.

Computer monitoring is the last resort. It means the situation is out of control. Is it really?

Aexandra Gamanenko currently works at Raytown Corporation, LLC --an independent monitoring and anti-monitoring software developing company that provides various solutions for information security.

Learn more about these products -- visit the company's website http://www.softsecurity.com

Is Johnnys Primary Handicap A Learning Disability Or Adhd

Writen by George Gallegos

Parents are usually worried by the report of learning problems and under performance in school by their child. Once learning accommodations and positive incentives have been informally introduced in the classroom, the next level of possible interventions to help a student's academic performance in the classroom can become more complicated. The difficulty Johnny experiences in the classroom cannot be accurately understood without some amount of individualized evaluation primarily in the areas of intellectual ability, learning achievement, or his ability to regulate attention. Schools are more likely to refer a student for an ADHD evaluation prior to the initiation of a comprehensive learning evaluation completed by the school's special education team. Despite questions surrounding potential learning disabilities, schools often prefer to have the question of ADHD addressed prior to a decision to pursue special education testing for Johnny.

In the learned opinion of Russell Barkley (excerpts from his lecture on ADHD, San Francisco, June, 2000), up to 50% of children referred for ADHD also have learning disabilities. Although the incidence of these two conditions is independent from one another, there remains a need to carefully evaluate for both learning weaknesses and ADHD when problems present with academic performance. Barkley states that 75% of children referred for ADHD are found to have other co-morbid conditions including learning disabilities, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, anxiety disorder, depression, or conduct disorder. While these alternative conditions must be considered, student evaluation should always include some estimate of intellectual ability and measured academic achievement. It is important to recognize the distinct relationship between a student's ability to learn and the ability to sustain attention.

Learning weaknesses and/or lower cognitive ability will predictably interfere with student attention. Although learning and intellectual weaknesses usually result with the symptom of inattention, they are qualitatively different from the disruption of ADHD. Theoretically, a learning disability is defined as an inability to interpret information correctly and link it with other learned information stored in different parts of the brain. Standardized tests often concentrate on evaluating a student's ability to learn information primarily through the auditory and visual modes. A learning weakness can disrupt a student's efforts to comprehend, organize, sequence, categorize, and associate concepts or ideas. A student impaired by learning disabilities can demonstrate inattention when they struggle to process challenging information or tasks.

A student can also show inattention when they attempt to learn information or complete tasks that exceed their ability level. In this case, intellectual ability governs how well the student can think, problem solve, understand abstractions, make abstract comparisons, use vocabulary to describe thoughts, and express ideas in verbal and written language. Weaknesses in any of these thinking and problem solving abilities can interfere with performance. Even Low Average range intellectual abilities can effectively interfere with a student's routine efforts to comprehend and perform in the classroom. Ultimately, this student may feel lost, confused, or overwhelmed by the typical classroom curriculum. This inattentive and off-task behavior is often misinterpreted as ADHD rather than the actual thinking disruption recognized as part of lower cognitive ability. A student with lower intellectual abilities will demonstrate correspondent levels of poor attention. This means that attention is demonstrated at a level that conforms to the student's cognitive ability.

These areas of performance weakness are routinely monitored by classroom teachers. While delays in academic skill development can be informally observed in the student's daily performance, standardized assessment must be completed in order to formally identify either a learning disability or intellectual weakness. Testing can be completed by the special education team using achievement measures as well as an I.Q. test to evaluate the level of student functioning. Achievement measures will reflect what the student has learned through routine instruction. Intellectual testing will produce a theoretical ability score commonly recognized as innate thinking ability. It is then possible to compare the student's achieved learning to the student's theoretical ability to learn (I.Q.). Statistically significant differences between these two levels of performance will suggest the possibility of learning and thinking disabilities.

A referral for testing may be made by the classroom teacher in coordination with the student's parents. Generally, federal guidelines allow a 45 day window for testing to be completed by a school's special education team. All testing results will be shared at a staffing coordinated with parents, teacher, and special education team in attendance. Due to the period of time necessary for this assessment process to occur, schools may often encourage parents to seek an ADHD evaluation prior to the special education staffing date. The intention of the ADHD evaluation will be to rule out the possibility of contributing deficits in the student's ability to sustain attention to task.

I am a child psychologist recently retired from the public school district. I continue to maintain a private practice devoted to the assessment of ADHD in children. I have recently developed a parent questionnaire that helps parents decide whether to pursue a formal ADHD evaluation for their child. This questionnaire can be viewed at http://www.youadditup.com

Why Geography Is Important For Children

Writen by Paul Martin

Did you realize that most children have absolutely no idea where they live? They could not pick out their state on a map, or even America on a globe. They can't tell you what language is spoken in Paris, or what continent Brazil is on.

Did you realize that many high school students can't either?

Most people agree that the fundamental building blocks to a child's education are reading, writing, and mathematics. But I would like to add one more to that list: geography. Just as reading and mathematics open the doors to literature and science, geography opens the door to understanding history, culture, and current events.

Educators are constantly telling us that our high-schoolers are failing to grasp the basics of American history. But how could they possibly understand the history of our nation if they cannot identify the 50 states on a blank map or know where Jamestown was settled? How could they understand the heritage of their diverse classmates, or indeed their own heritage, if they do not even know what part of the world their ancestors came from?

The problem is this: most children never have a class in geography until seventh grade at the earliest. Because of this, everything they learned before that point in time is left completely out of context. The Jungle Book makes little sense if you do not know where India is or what a tropical rainforest is like. Hearing about our soldiers (often including a friend or relative) fighting in Iraq is a total mystery if you know nothing about the people who live there or why the Middle East is a particularly important and turbulent part of our world.

That is why geography needs to be learned from the very beginning, just like the alphabet and simple addition. That way, everything a child learns is immediately put into its proper context in their minds. Otherwise, if you tell them you are sending money to help feed hungry children in Ethiopia, they might think that's somewhere near grandma's house rather than in eastern Africa.

The power of understanding the world is one of the greatest gifts you can give to your child. And it is you who needs to give it to them, because the schools will not. Buy a globe and an atlas, as well as books that describe the histories, cultures, and religions of the people living in other countries.

Teach your children about the world outside their everyday experience, and watch the horizons of their imagination and intellect explode.

And start with the forgotten basics of geography.

-------------------------------

Copyright, Paul Martin, Noss Galen Baby LLC 2006

Paul and Alison Martin are the owners of Noss Galen Baby LLC, a small online business dedicated to offering innovative, hard-to-find products for babies and toddlers at affordable prices.

To subscribe or to see previous issues of Paul's "Live and Learn" newsletter, please visit http://www.NossGalenBaby.com/newsletter.html.

Ten Ways To Help Your Child Get Ready To Read

Writen by Carol Boles

Pre-school reading and kindergarten curriculums in most public schools teach the alphabet and its corresponding sounds. However, today more and more school districts are assessing children's letter name and corresponding sound knowledge prior to enrollment. Why? Because most children come to school with this knowledge. Many children's television programs teach this content and many parents take it upon themselves to teach their children these concepts as well.

Ironically, even though public school curriculums teach these concepts, schools consider children who have not mastered these concepts to be behind their peers. Therefore, parents should consider applying the following strategies to help their young children get ready to read:

1. Buy a set of alphabet letters cards. Put them at the children's eye level, on the wall, where your children can easily see them everyday. Review the letter names, in groups of seven, daily. Say the letter name and letter sound of each card. IMPORTANT! A letter sound is a small, short sound. Don't add vowel sounds after consonants. "C" sound like "k" not CAA. It's not Ca ba da! It's "c" "b" "d". When your child masters a set of seven, go onto another set of seven. If you're unsure about teaching your children letter-sounds, DON'T! Leave it to the classroom teacher.

2. Buy a set of magnetic alphabet letters and put them on the refrigerator. Let your children play with them. Some children are tactile learners. That is, touching the letter shape helps them process and learn the letter's name.

3. Write your children's names in block and stick letters (manucript) clearly and uniformly. And put this on their bedroom doors. NO CURSIVE! Remember, your children are learning a code. Think of it this way - if you were learning and new language that had a different written alphabet (such as Chinese), in order for you to learn this new code/ symbol, the symbols would need to be exactly the same every time in order for you to recognize them and memorize them.

4. Help your children write their names in other ways. Write their names for them, then let them trace over this. Small children have limited motor skills but encourage them to pick up a crayon or large pencil and try to trace the letters.

5. Start reading to your children as soon as they can focus their eyes on the book. Read simple board books every day. Introducing the concept of reading early on sends the message that reading is an important skill. You are also introducing and re-enforcing classroom behaviors such as sitting quietly and listening.

6. Read your children's favorite books over and over. Start pointing to the words. The muscles in children's eyes are not fully developed until they are about ten or eleven years old. When you point to the words, you are helping them track along. That is, keeping their place on the page. Also, they hear the word, see the word, then eventually recognize the word. Thus, they develop some sight word capability.

7. Put books in your car. While you drive, let your children entertain themselves turning the pages and looking at the pictures. Change your selection of books regularly.

8. Write notes to family members and young children who are not yet reading. They will feel included and be motivated to learn to read so they can participate (of course read the notes to them until they learn to read).

9. Take your children to the library. Let them pick out books they want you to read to them. Also, choose books you will enjoy reading aloud to them.

10. Buy your children books for presents. Wrap them up in bright paper. After they rip the paper off, read the books to them.

Children who make the connection early on that the sounds and words we make with our mouth can be converted to written letters or words have a much easier time learning to read. By teaching your children the alphabet, reading to them and creating a rich, literate home environment, you are sending the message that reading is an important skill. One they will be eager to learn.

Carol Boles has a master's degree in Special Reading and an Educational Specialist degree in Curriculum and Instruction. She has over ten years experience teaching K-12 reading in public schools. She now manages her own business and is a member of The Lieurance Group, a freelance writers cooperative. Find out more about her writing services at http://www.lieurancegroup.blogspot.com or email her at Cwrites-56@hotmail.com

10 Tips To Protect Your Child Actor

Writen by Troy Rutter

If your child is involved in the entertainment industry, whether in small-town theatre productions or movies and television shows, protecting their welfare is a top priority for parents. Here are ten simple steps you can do today to help protect your child from rabid fans and predators.

1. Stop using your child's social security number on their resume.

It use to be commonplace to use a social security number on a resume so producers, directors and casting directors could refer to you as a number when you go in for an audition. This is no longer the case. When your child signs in for an audition, there will be a spot for their SAG number. If they are not in the Screen Actors Guild, leave the box empty or ask the receptionist if they can use another number.

2. Change your phone number.

Once your phone number is listed, it will remain in online directories and even print directories for a long time. Simply changing it to be unlisted will not stop people from finding it out and calling you at home. Obtain a new number and keep it unlisted.

3. Check your child's fan mail carefully.

Once your child has appeared on a TV show or in a movie, they will start to get fan letters. While this may seem neat at first, you must be careful when allowing your child to read the letters that come in. Look over the envelopes carefully and notice strange addresses. Letters from prisons oftentimes are marked "Inmate Mail" or have a strange address that looks like a PO box.

4. Take your own digital cards to your photographer.

When it is time to get your child's photographs done for their portfolio or comp card, ask if you can bring your own digital card for their camera. If the photographer still shoots on film, make sure that their session fee includes giving the negatives to you. By protecting the raw images of your child, you will help prevent their likeness from showing up on online auction sites tomorrow or in years to come.

5. Audit an acting class.

Instead of shelling out the full fee for an acting class you have heard about, ask the instructor if your child can audit their class. Most will say yes. You should be skeptical about those who will not allow your child, and a parent, to sit in on a class or two.

6. Don't looks for agents in the mall.

If you get a flyer asking you to bring your child to the mall to meet with a talent manager, run the other way. Many of these companies make their money by charging outrageous fees for photographers and showcases. They thrive on signing hundreds of kids, hoping one of them happens to make it big.

7. Do your homework.

Never stop learning about the entertainment business. Read books on child actors, auditioning, acting technique, and biographies of former and current child stars. Attend workshops and seminars in your area.

8. Provide a support structure for your child.

During the course of your child's career, they will turned down many times for different reasons. It is important to have both internal and external support mechanisms for your child to turn to when they need to talk or vent their frustrations.

9. Avoid leaving comments on fan web sites.

While at first it may seem neat when you see the first web site dedicated to your child, but avoid contacting the maker of the site or leaving feedback in a guestbook or forum. Your computer information can be tracked fairly easily, allowing them to get even more personal information.

10. Register your child's name as a web site domain name.

As soon as your child books that new commercial, TV show or movie, register your child's name as a "dot com" immediately so somebody cannot steal it out from under you. Registration services are under $10/year at most places, so it will be a cheap investment in your child's safety.

Most of these items involve common sense, but you will be surprised how easily they are forgotten when your child has a chance at stardom. Keep your wits about you and remember your number one priority is the welfare of your child, not booking the part.

Troy A. Rutter has been working with young performers for over ten years. His book, Kids in the Biz, provides step-by-step guidance to prospective young performers and their families. For more information about getting children into acting in television and films, visit his web site at http://www.kidsinthebiz.com.

What Is Motherhood

Writen by CD Mohatta

When we think of a mother, what kind of a picture we get in our mind? A compassionate lady who will sacrifice all her comforts and will work ceaselessly in the home without expecting any monetary reward, only to take care of her children. Is this correct? Motherhood means sacrifice and pain from day one of conception. But this pain and sacrifice brings forward a beautiful feeling in a woman after she finds that her children are happy and healthy. That is the only reward she desires from her children. And that is motherhood.

This is true not only for humans but all mothers of the animal kingdom. A tigress will attack you and kill you if you dare to approach her cubs. Every animal mother teaches her young ones the art of living in their world. Every mother is ready to go to any length to save her young ones. A woman begins dreaming about her child soon after conception. Many expectant mothers talk to the yet to be born child. They feel totally comfortable doing that. They plan for the future of the kid, food, education, clothing, shelter everything. From the poorest to the richest mothers, we find that a sense of protecting her progeny is the most common trait.

For a mother, the child is her extension. This is not so for the fathers. But mothers treat the child as same as themselves. Why? Nature gives this love to a mother so that the specie continues. Mothers are special. In few studies it has been found that infants stop crying when they listen to the recorded sounds of their mothers womb. They were protected there and when they come out in the world, they are surprised with the difference. The sounds of womb tell them that things have still not changed so much and they feel comforted. That is one of the reasons why touch works wonders. The more a mother touches her children physically, the more loved they feel. They get the reassurance of the protection of the mother.

A child should always feel indebted to his/her mother because nobody else including the father sacrifices so much as the mother to bring us up. Mother is compassion and for a young kid, mother is God.

Mohatta writes content for screensavers on http://www.screene.com. He also writes text for eCards for Love, birthday wishes and other topics.

Parenting Dilemmas Finding Support Online

Writen by Dakota Caudilla

The role of being a parent is full of trials and tribulations. The good times are great, but the bad times can make you feel frustrated and lonely.

Friendly advice: to take it or not?

Confiding in friends and family about problems at home is not always the best thing to do. These are ongoing relationships that you've spent years nurturing and introducing a problem can throw the dynamics of a good friendship way off course.

Moreover, seeking solutions to your parenting dilemmas from your immediate circle of friends may not always be the best thing to do because friends and family cannot always provide the advice you really need. Our friends and family, as much as they love us, cannot always be objective about the dilemmas in our lives.

Whether you are a parent with special needs, a single parent, or just an average parent going through a rough time, the decision to seek help on the Internet is a good one because the Internet provides two important things: accurate and anonymous advice.

Online options: easy and safe

Start off with a search for "parent support group". Parent support groups introduce parents who are facing similar challenges and problems in their lives. Online parent support groups are comfortable meeting places where you can share problems and solutions and offer encouragement and support to each other. Accessing parent support groups online is a good way to seek help because you are in the comfort of your own home. You don't have to dress up and put on a brave face. You can sit in your pajamas and deal with your problem in a safe environment.

Dakota Caudilla, journalist, and website builder Dakota Caudilla lives in Texas. He is the owner and co-editor of http://www.your-childs-health.com on which you will find a longer, more detailed version of this article.

How To Handle Unsolicited Advice With Peaceful Parentingr

Writen by Nancy Buck

Think back to when you were pregnant. Did you begin hearing all of the horror stories of every other woman's pregnancy and delivery? Did your mother, mother-in-law, aunts, cousins and godmother give you her best advice about what you should and should not be doing?

When the baby finally arrived, did the advice continue? During a grocery store outing when your baby or toddler began a melt-down, did total strangers feel compelled to give you "good advice?" Now that your child or children are older, has every innocent question you ask of any other parent turn into a lecture leaving you feeling less competent or less able to handle your question?

Let's go at this from another angle. Are you the person who is sharing her good ideas and tips to other mothers of younger children than your own? It's hard not to. We each have our own stories, our own experiences, our own wisdom learned from lessons our children present to us. How to hold back from teaching another mother what we have learned from our own parenting experiences?

Sometimes the advice we receive from others is welcomed. Sometimes the tip your mother-in-law or older sister shares about walking with a cranky infant is just the thing that finally helps you and your baby settle down. Learning the trick about laying your toddlers jacket on the ground is just the advice necessary to move your daughter to learn how to dress herself. Another mother's advice about her son's bedtime ritual is the ticket to help you and your son find peace and success at bedtime.

But sometimes advice, no matter how well intention feels like criticism. When your mother suggests that you hug your child more, you wonder if you are unloving. When your daughter's teacher suggests that you spend more time helping her with her homework, you begin to wonder if you are less than involved than you should be.

What makes the difference between helpful advice and well meaning suggestions turning into criticism? The biggest difference is whether or not you have asked for help and advice. When you ask your sister-in-law how she handles the bickering between her two children, you are asking her to share her experiences, hoping to learn some tricks to solve your problem. But when a total stranger suggests you hold your son's hand while walking through the department store, the advice feels like someone else has evaluated that what you are doing is not okay. You haven't asked for nor are you ready to receive any parent ideas, thank you very much. So when unsolicited advice is offered it is more likely to be unhelpful. When you solicit advice, you want help and suggestions to a challenge or problem that you have acknowledged exists.

Now take a moment to imagine what life is like from your child's perspective. Almost every place in your child's life there is an older person at the ready to offer advice, suggestions for improvement or correction. At home, one or both parents have ideas of how your son could manage his time better. At school, her teacher hands back work with corrections. At music lessons or on the softball or baseball field the teacher/coach may tell or yell at your son to help him improve his athletic or musical skills. The life of a child is filled with unsolicited advice and correction from every angle in unlimited sources.

When is advice and correction helpful to your child and when is it a threat to her self-esteem? Just as with you, what determines this difference is whether or not the advice or correction has been solicited, asked for, or not.

When your son is making his bed and has trouble tucking in the sheets or fitting the sheet, if he asks for your help or suggestions, he wants advice. But if you happen to walk by at his moment of struggle and suggest that tucking in corner angles first may help, your suggestion may easily be perceived as criticism.

When your daughter asks her coach what she can do to improve her soccer skills, she wants advice and help. But when the coach tells her that she was in the wrong place for the last play, your daughter may leave the field questioning her skills and abilities.

In the first example, your child has self-evaluated that he/she needs assistance and help. In the second examples, the adult has evaluated that the child needs correction and help.

It would be grand if from this day forward you vowed and succeeded in eliminating all unsolicited advice that you offer, to your children and all of the other people in your life. That is my unsolicited advice offered to you. But until I can succeed at such a fete, I won't offer it to you.

Instead, I offer another piece of advice. ASK It really is that simple. When you see your daughter struggling with her homework, ask her if she would like your help. When you hear your son mistakenly naming the capital of South Dakota, ask if he would like your advice. When you see another mother juggling with her baby, carriage and dog, ask if you can help. Your desire to help, to correct, to offer your well earned wisdom will be more readily accepted if you ask first if the person wants to receive your ideas, advice and suggestions.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Nancy S. Buck, Ph.D. established Peaceful Parenting, Inc. in 2000 to bring her knowledge and experience with effective parenting to the greatest number of parents and other caretakers of children. She developed the Peaceful Parenting® program from her 25 years of experience as a developmental psychologist, trainer and educator with The William Glasser Institute and as the mother of twin sons. Her genuine, warm and authentic teaching style is clear and concise, helping learners move from the theoretical to real life situations.

http://www.peacefulparenting.com
Improve your family - Improve your world

Parenting Teenagers 7 Easy Steps

Writen by Jan Verhoeff

You know who you are, a parent of a teenager. You're the one with blood shot eyes, more gray hair than you had yesterday, and empty pockets. Yeah, it's those empty pockets that get you. When you realize those three things, you'll know you're parenting a teenager…

Step #1 – Start before they start talking back, explain to your children when they are very young that you are the boss and you expect them to obey. Allow them to suffer consequences of simple injustices, early on. If you tell them No, they will fall down, and they go ahead and start to climb on the couch, show them the floor. Gently of course!

Step #2 – Always have an appropriate punishment available when natural consequences are not happening. A natural consequence of disobedience happens without parental interference, and often without your actual knowledge. If there are natural consequences, you don't have to issue punishment. If not, however, it is best to issue a punishment that fits the crime. Just be sure you aren't punishing yourself in the process.

Step #3 – Communication is the key. If you can't talk to your child, they can't talk to you. Communication is mutual. If you find you always are scolding your child, that isn't communication. Much of disciple comes not from the punishment, but from understanding the proper way to behave. Chatter about the good things, compliment them, and share the rewards you've received for appropriate behavior. Comment on their friends who behave well, or your friends who don't. Talk to your kids.

Step #4 – Time is a definite component of building a relationship. When was the last time you spent some serious TIME with your child? I mean the kind of time where you wish you could stay longer. Taking my daughter to school, since she attends a class there after home schooling for 10 years, is a real experience for both of us. Most mornings, we chatter about the weather, her classes, or some other significant topic. This morning, we talked about the importance of chocolate in the lives of girls. This is important stuff she needs to know, and only I can share it with her.

Just so you don't think my daughter's get extra time, I want to share a discussion I had with my son last night. Completely awesome talk about swords; he told me how they made the, and what they were for, and then explained to me that if we still had fire breathing dragons, I'd have to take a "knight" with me wherever I went, to fight off the fire breathing dragons. He's 10 and completely convinced it's his responsibility to make the world safe for inhabitation.

Step #5 – Don't give them everything they want. Sometimes, just say no because you can. I know this may sound a bit mean and cruel, but the reality is our children don't need everything they ask for, when they ask. Sometimes, they need to earn their way, and know the actual value of what they want. Occasionally, even if you can afford to give your children everything they ask for, don't.

Step #6 – Teach by example. IF you think for one moment your children will do as you say and not as you do, your thinking is messed up. If you smoke, they probably will too. If you drink, they probably will too. If you run around on your spouse, they probably will too. Teach by doing the right thing, so your children can learn from your example. And if you do screw up, be willing to admit you were wrong.

Step #7 – If you teach your child nothing else in life, teach them about unconditional love. Accept your children for who and what they are, and love them. Show them where you want them to go, and just love them through whatever phase they are in. Let them know you care and you will be there. Don't change their consequences for them, but be there to encourage them through the good choices and the bad choices.

As a single parent, the hardest thing I've had to learn is that when I change my children's consequences, it takes them longer to learn the lesson.

You're in the game for the whole show, not just a battle or two. Be sure you come out on the other side with scars you won't mind sharing! Go in with the shield of good parenting from the beginning, and a relationship with your child that can't be broken.

Jan Verhoeff is a home school mom, with four children. One in college, three in high school and junior high levels, who are accomplishing great things, and achieving their goals. Visit her weblog at http://homeschool101.blogspot.com

Social Skills And Cooperation Short Specific Statements That Say Everything You Need

Writen by Ellen Mossman-Glazer

Trust in the power of just one single sentence to get your child quickly back on track. When you are trying to get your children to pay better attention to their responsibilities, make a brief, very specific sentence your first and main strategy instead of revving up for the drain of debate, confrontation and consequencing.

You may want your child to settle down to homework, finish a chore, or make a better choice about something. It's the 'less is more' model. Just a few words can say everything that needs to be heard.

The SSS Method

Create a Short Specific Statement. Here are a few different types for some typical situations:

Redirect. "The next thing you need to do is walk to your desk." No nagging, just the statement. Repeat it until your child sees you will not engage you in any other conversation.

Refocus with a question. "What do you need to be doing next?" Keep asking until you hear or see the answer.

Start with "When" to perfectly handle requests that are not appropriate at the moment. "When you have done your homework we can talk about the weekend." "When you wake up in the morning you can have your keys back."

Show understanding, but set up a plan, without judgment. Your child failed a test and did not tell you. " We will go talk to the teacher and find out what you need to do to bring your grade up." Some kids keep school issues undercover, lying to parents rather than disappointing or angering them. They are more likely to keep you informed if they feel they will not be judged.

Handle slacking off. "OK, let's go from here." No lectures. Just go forward.

Reframe. When your child is down on himself, give him an encouraging phrase to replace the discouragement. "I will do this the best I can and that is that."

State your feelings calmly though you want to explode. "I'm too angry to talk right now, I need some time."and exit the scene. Don't worry about what is going on behind you until you compose yourself and are ready to get back into it.

Two Essential Tips for Successful Short Specific Statements

Notice if your tone of voice escalates as you work harder to get your point heard and heeded. If so, you are giving your child the message you feel yourself losing ground. Make your statement as neutral as you would say, "Please pass the potatoes" and practice if you must, to be sure your voice and body language come across just as unflappable.

Stick to your statement and no other words! This is where you will trip up. If you expect your child to take some action as a result of your statement, repeat it and nothing else. If you feel you have repeated it enough, exit the scene for a while.

Make up your personal list of resourceful SSS's and see how much simpler it gets!

Ellen Mossman-Glazer M.Ed. is a Life Skills Coach and Behavioral Specialist, specializing in Asperger Syndrome, High Functioning Autism, ADHD, and learning difficulties. Over her 20 years in special education classrooms and treatment settings, Ellen has seen the struggle that children and adults have when they feel they don't fit in. She now works in private practice with people across the USA and Canada, by phone, teleconference groups and email, helping parents, educators, caregivers and their challenging loved ones, to find their own specific steps and tools to thrive. Ellen is the author of two on line e-zines, Emotion Matters: Tools and Tips for Working with Feelings and Social Skills: The Micro Steps. Subscribe for free and see more about Ellen at http://artofbehaviorchange.com/ You can take a free mini assessment which Ellen will reply to with your first action step.

The Old And The New

Writen by HPriya Sivan

During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents young Michael cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try and stop me!" With that he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close behind. "Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try and stop me." "Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute, I'll go with you."

This is a joke doing its rounds on how the new generation gap has taken shape!

The friction between the young and old exists for ages. The joint family concept had the elders putting the flame off now and then. The younger generation of those days had to meekly submit to the advice of the elders and worked themselves up to success. But of late the nuclear family consists of the parents and maximum two children these days – the office goers, career oriented fathers and mothers have rarely little time to spend with their children. The children are forced to make independent decisions right or wrong.

This kind of generation gap happens more when the children grow up and the son gets married. Nowadays the parenting concept accepts only parents and not the grandparents. The competitive world makes the parents concentrate more on their children who have to mould their career and settle in life rather than spend time for their old parents who are becoming more and more dependent on their children as they grow older.

The old parents being alive are considered to be a burden. The son is more enthusiastic about giving the best to his children and wants them to compete with their peers. He does not want to lose control over them and certainly feels that there should be a set pattern in bringing up his children.

The grandparents now feel that their son who had been so obedient and submissive now ignores him and does not allow grandchildren to play with them. The son in turn feels that his parents do not know anything of technological advancement and their son in turn should cope up with the latest technologies and not waste time in playing with grandparents. They would prefer their children playing on the computers rather than the grandparents.

Has the new generation gap, which is emerging now, taken a turn to disregard the elders? Or should the older persons step down and adjust to the new developments?

Hpriya Sivan

Let Your Child Get Dirty Its Essential For Physical And Mental Development

Writen by Charles Kassotis

Are you still following your child around worrying that they might stain their clothes? Do you forbid playing outside because they might get dirty? Do you see germs and infections in every step they take? Are you trying to keep away friendly dogs or cute kittens because they might be disease carriers?

Do any of the sentences above represent your attitude towards your child? If yes, you must reconsider. Depriving your child of physical contact with the "Dirty, Outside World" is bad for its health. Sound unbelievable? How can something full of germs be essential for a kid's development?

First of all, your child, in the delicate years between childhood and puberty, develops its immune system. The immune system is designed to defend the organism against millions of bacteria, microbes, parasites, viruses and toxins. But it needs to be trained; just us muscles need exercise to function properly. In order to recognize harmful germs, it needs to meet them first. Then it creates an archive, where it is all installed. When the time comes for a fight, the immune system will be prepared because it knows the enemy. Pure exposure to various microorganisms and other environmental factors leads to pure immune resistance. That means, that the child will be less susceptible to disease later in life. So, don't exaggerate in hygiene matters. Let your child's immune system harden, with the help of dirt.

Your child needs also to be active, run around and feel happy playing outside. Worrying about stains will make the child feel guilty about activities that make it happy. You cannot replace that happiness with clean clothes, or with indoor inactive activities such us TV or video games. This is especially true during the school year. Imagine being seated in a chair while experiencing growth and energy spurts! Getting loose outside home will help the child deal with that pressure.

Don't underestimate your kids' explorative skills. By exploring –not the house of course- it discovers the world. Exploration boosts the imagination as well as creativity, social and physical skills. Well-developed physical skills result in a healthy body. Creativity will bring adaptability, and social skills will bring success and mental health. All those will eventually turn an active child, into a lively, successful healthy adult.

Let friendly animals approach your child. They won't hurt it; they will be of benefit. By keeping animals away you teach your child to do the same. Have you considered having a pet? Children raised with pets show many benefits. Developing positive feelings about pets can contribute to a child's self-esteem and self-confidence. Your child will develop trusting relationships with others much easier. A good relationship with a pet can also help in developing non-verbal communication, compassion, and empathy.

Finally, how important do you think memories are? Memories are moments of our lives, forming our personality. What would you like your child to remember from its childhood memories? Clean, germ-free clothes? Or shiny days outside, filled with laughter and a sense of adventure?

Are you still afraid of dirt? No need to be, after all, dirt is health! So, let your child go and play outside, loose in the dirt. Join in if you get jealous, you might want to get a little dirty too!

Learn How to Remove Grass and Dirt Stains from Your Active Childs Clothing, Easily and Safely. Visit Stainremovalinfo.com at http://www.stainremovalinfo.com

Where Are The Family Bathrooms

Writen by Gavin Mannion

I have 2 wonderful little girls, my eldest being 3 and my youngest turning 2 next month. One of my favourite things to do with my kids is to take them shopping over the weekend. I enjoy the time I have with them and it gives my wife a break which is always required as kids can be very hard work.

Potty Training

My eldest is now fully potty trained which is a fantastic thing at home and when we go around to friends and parents places but it became a problem for me personally when going shopping.

The first time I took her shopping after being nearly potty trained I was at Builders Warehouse in Strubens Valley looking for bathroom fittings. Now shopping with little children as you know can be quite an experience and is not the easiest way to shop. So after being at BW for about an hour my daughter turns to me and says she needs a wee. Now anyone who has been through potty training will understand that this little statement does not mean "Can we find a bathroom now?" it means "Run as fast as your little legs will take you because you have about 30 seconds before I explode".

Disabled Bathroom

Which is all well and good at home because I know where the bathrooms are, in BW I luckily knew where the bathrooms where but as I turned the corner and was faced with the little man or little lady sign everything fell apart.... What do I do? Do I take her into the male bathroom where there are urinals and they are generally not so clean. Or do I take her into the female bathroom and get faced with the looks of shock and horror that I would have expected from the women already in there?

Then I saw the disabled bathroom... Great a reprieve from this current disaster. So now I know what to look for, easy enough.

Family Bathroom

The next week I was at Clearwater Mall in Strubens Valley when the same thing happened again. Off I ran to the central toilets looking for the disabled sign and was happily greeted with a Family Bathroom sign.

This room was very nice, it was clean and tidy. It had a changing area for my youngest and two toilets. An adult sized one and a kids one. I was so impressed with this discovery that every time I went shopping after that I ended up at either Builders Warehouse or Clearwater.

Oh-No

Then about 4 weeks ago I was back at Clearwater and now just walking quickly to the Family Bathroom, my daughter has got better at holding now, I turn the corner and the sign is gone? I must have taken a wrong turn so I went back and looked down the next passage... Still nothing.

After walking around for about 5 minutes I decided it was about time to look for the disabled bathroom. This is when that initial terror of a few weeks ago hit again. The disabled bathrooms are situated inside the normal bathrooms.... Now I am standing outside the males and females bathrooms in a packed shopping center with my two daughters and a shopping trolley...

What to do

I had two choices and with the fact that my wife always complains about the cues in the ladies I decided to go into the male bathroom. Stuck in a relatively clean bathroom with my youngest trying to see what all those men are doing at the urinals and my eldest needing to get onto a toilet, which needed cleaning, I ended up jamming the trolley into the cubical whilst wiping the toilet and blocking my youngest eyes.

I was horrified...

Conclusion

I now only take my daughters to places where I know if there is a family bathroom AND a disabled bathroom so for now Clearwater is off my list again . I have emailed them and am waiting for a reply. I will update this article when a reply is received just to let you know what they say.

In this modern world where dads are expected to be a large part of their children's life you would think large shopping centers and family restaurants, don't get me started on SPUR, would cater for parents with different sex kids. As I can only presume moms with 5-8 year old boys have the same problem.

If you know of any good shopping centers in the Randburg - Sandton - Roodepoort area that cater for modern dads please leave me a message so I can try them out.

This being my first venture into Internet writing any feedback would be appreciated.

Well I am very happy to report that Clearwater Mall has responded to my enquiry. The family bathroom is now being repaired and will be functional again this coming weekend the 19th of August 2006.

I wish to thank Clearwater Mall and specifically Elsabe Griesel for the prompt response to my enquiry and am looking forward to taking my daughters back to Clearwater again in the near future.

Cheers, Gavin Mannion

www.mommies.co.za

Gavin Mannion is a software developer by day and a daddy by 24/7. I have no qualifications in regard to being a parent apart from that I am one. I speak from the heart. I generally write my articles for http://www.mommies.co.za a place for South African parents to speak their mind.

Parenting Discipline

Writen by Michael Grose

Discipline is a necessary part of parenting yet it makes most parents feel uncomfortable. Some of those old disciplinary phrases such as 'spare the rod and spoil the child', 'teach them a lesson' or 'set children straight' are enough to send shivers up the spine of any reasonable-minded parent.

Discipline for the majority of the twentieth century was adult-centred and relied heavily on punishment as a way of keeping children on the right track. Discipline was based on the principle of severity and terms such as punishment, obedience and compliance were commonly used.

Corporal punishment was used in schools and smacking and variations of that theme were the general tools of trade used at home. Rewards and positive reinforcement for good behaviour were usually kept for the behaving children rather than used as a mechanism to encourage better behaviour in more difficult children.

The last few decades have seen some dramatic shifts in discipline that reflect very much the social changes that have occurred. In countries such as the United States, United Kingdom and Australia discipline has swung between a very child-centred approach where it seems parents forgot that they were the adults in the parent-child relationship through to the use of parent-focused techniques that place control firmly in the hands of parents. The use of praise and a reliance on reward systems to promote appropriate behaviour are the hallmarks of these child-centred approaches.

Despite the variety of approaches available parents commonly struggle to get discipline right. Recent Australian research shows that 58 per cent of parents struggle to find the appropriate approach to disciplining their children. Most want to use different discipline techniques than their parents yet exactly which approach to use is a dilemma. As the same cohort rated developing positive attachments and good relationships with their children as their highest priority I suspect many parents are concerned with being friends to their children and tend to avoid those sticky discipline issues. Evidence from other parts of the world suggests that Australians are not the only parents who struggle to find an appropriate approach to discipline.

While the type of discipline parents use should reflect the times in which they live it is also useful to look to children and their needs. While society has changed significantly over the last few decades children and their developmental needs haven't altered much.

Children develop best in a stable environment where they are valued, loved and listened to. They prefer an orderly environment rather than a chaotic one. And they need someone in that environment who will help them learn to be safe and sociable. This is where discipline comes in.

Children in their first few years of life are hard work for any parent. This age group experience massive physical development that is not matched by the same rate of intellectual maturation. Children around the age of eighteen to thirty months are a little like international airports – massive amounts of activity but with relatively small control towers. They need parents who adopt a patient yet varied approach to discipline so that they learn to become sociable, stay safe and gradually take responsibility for their behaviour without having their spirit squashed.

Children in the 2-3 year age group present the most challenges to parents behaviourally, with the 11-14 year age group coming a close second. It is not surprising that these two ages present most difficulty to parents, as both are significant transitions stages with children in both age groups pushing their parents hard in the pursuit of greater independence.

Evidence suggests that parents of young children need to adopt a real-life approach to discipline that is heavy on teaching rather than the punitive stuff. My own work with families suggests that those parents who base their discipline on the twin principles of consistency and prevention have generally well-behaved kids and positive relationships as well.

The notion of consistency is the biggest challenge modern parents face. Dr. Sal Severe author of the recently published book for parents "How To Behave So Your Children Will Too" says, "Consistency is the most important element in a child's relationship with their parents." He is on the money. Children need parental consistency as it gives them a sense of security and control.

Consistency means parents dealing with the little misbehaviours and not letting them grow into bigger behaviours. It means parents following through and allowing children to experience a consequence when they misbehave. It also means that both parents in a dual parent relationship have a similar approach to behaviours. Children learn from a young age to play one parent off against each other when they standards differ.

But consistency is hard these days. Consistency, like routines, is often sacrificed by busy working parents and put in the 'too hard basket'. When parents are tired, stretched and overworked the last thing they want to do is engage in a battle with children over what are sometimes petty issues. Besides consistency can make a well-meaning parent who values relationships feel downright awful.

But giving in rather than being consistent and holding ground is not a smart long-term strategy. Kids learn quickly how far they can push a parent before they give in. If you give in occasionally they will learn that if they push you hard enough and long enough you will cave in. So consistency is about being strong and holding your ground. That is hard work because Australian research reveals that the average garden-variety child will push parental boundaries about 30per cent of the time and more difficult kids push your boundaries twice that much.

But what can parents do when young children are less than perfect? Smacking is one alternative but not one recommended by this writer. Most current studies indicate that parents generally don't view smacking as a suitable method of discipline for young children, however many reluctantly admit to reverting to this method on occasions. Smacking is generally ineffective in terms of reducing misbehaviour over the long-term. In some cases, it exacerbates aggressive behaviour in young children as they learn that it is okay to use physical means to resolve problems when you have the power to do so. The notion of 'it is okay to smack if it is a little smack' holds no water. It is either a smack or not. There is no middle ground.

So if smacking is out, what's in? Timeout is a good alternative, but often misused. Timeout is effective if used to either break a young child's pattern of behaviour or interrupt a deteriorating situation. A small amount of time spent in his or her room has saved many a child's hide and his parents' sanity as they both have time to calm down. Those parents who use time-out as a punishment or a deterrent usually end up frustrated when they enter their child's room only to find him happily playing with toys. Timeout is a poor punishment but effective in helping to restore calm and giving children an opportunity to reflect.

Effective discipline with young children involves a refusal by adults to become involved in the behaviour games that they can play. Children don't act in a vacuum. They will keep those behaviours that work in terms of getting attention or some other pay-off and drop those behaviours that are ignored. So when a young child receives a long-winded reprimand from his mother as he purposely wriggles while she changes his nappy he is learning a great way to keep her busy. Similarly, a child who continuously stands up and sits down while he is being bathed is working out how he can have some fun at his mother and father's expense.

In both cases, it would be effective if the parent involved simply made the child safe and didn't respond verbally to the situation. Children in those cases generally learn that their parents are not engaging in the game they are making so they will try other ways to get some attention. However, it takes some children a while to understand so parents need to persist with their approach. Kids can't learn if we are giving them different signals – sometimes ignoring, sometimes laughing and sometimes punishing for the same behaviour.

The language a parent uses with young children can make a huge difference. Those parents who use the language of coercion and spend a great deal of time telling children what they want them to do will generally meet with a child who refuses to cooperate. Effective parents avoid over talking at the point of misbehaviour and don't try to fight children on every battlefront.

Effective discipline of young children involves more than simply applying the right technique or strategy to match a situation. If it was that simple then dog owners would teach us a great deal about gaining cooperation from kids. "Be consistent, praise the good stuff; teach one behaviour at a time and growl at bad behaviour" is the appropriate approach for our four-legged friends. If we want perfectly obedient kids then we know the formula.

Therein lies the dilemma. We need to raise cooperative kids capable of making their own decisions, to be considerate of others and generally survive as adults. This takes time and considerable teaching and patience, not to mention the use of routines, good parental behaviour for children to copy and the opportunity for children to find a place through contribution rather than misbehaviour.

The idea of healthy relationships lies at the heart of effective discipline. Kids will only cooperate in the long term if they feel their parents are fair, care for them and have their best interests at heart. Parenting by remote control or from a distance just won't cut it with many children.

The high priority parents place on healthy relationships with children is not compromised by the need to teach them appropriate, safe and socially acceptable behaviour. In fact, good discipline and a good parent-child relationship go hand-in-hand. Parents who don't have a firm backbone generally find that their children show them little respect, which is a recipe for relationship disaster. Discipline maybe misunderstood these days but there is no mistake about its importance for children and parents.

Michael Grose is Australia's leading parenting educator. He is the author of six books and gives over 100 presentations a year and appears regularly on television, radio and in print.

For further ideas to help you raise happy children and resilient teenagers visit http://www.parentingideas.com.au . While you are there subscribe to Happy Kids newsletter and receive a free report Seven ways to beat sibling rivalry.

Mommy Burnout 6 Ways To Lose It

Writen by Carrie Lauth

Feeling burnout as a Mom is very common. It does not mean that you are failing as a Mom. It's mostly due to the isolation that a lot of Moms face in our culture, as well as the overscheduling and overwork that a lot of us deal with.

Here are 6 things you can do to prevent burnout and treat it if it comes up.

• Find your tribe

Find a support group of like minded Moms. There are neighbors, people you worship with, family, Moms at storytime, the park, or anywhere else Moms hang out. It's extremely important for Moms to have a social network. Talk about your feelings with someone who won't judge you, and return the favor. Spend time with good friends, and don't forget to nurture your relationship with your spouse.

• Set boundaries

Setting good boundaries isn't just about limits with your kids. Boundaries are something that protect you from being overburdened with other people's responsibilities. Learn to say no to things that don't honor your values, and don't overextend yourself.

• Lose the guilt

Don't feel like you're a bad Mom because you feel burnout from time to time. In fact, you are probably a very conscientious Mom who is neglecting her own needs! Be as forgiving and empathic with yourself as you are with your kids, and remember, when you take care of your own needs, you're in better shape to care for your family. It's kind of like when the flight attendant tells you to put on your own oxygen mask first in case of emergency!

• Take care of your body

Eating poorly leads to fatigue and stress. Nurture your body with healthy foods and avoid excessive caffeine and sugar, which only deplete you.

Exercise is also very important because it helps you deal with stress and floods your body with endorphins, the "feel good hormones". Don't make excuses! Get moving for 20 minutes a day. It doesn't have to be expensive or complicated. Walking is one of the best exercises you can do.

Exercise is also good for the kids because it helps them discharge excess energy that they may have from being inside too much.

Spending some time every day in the sun is also a good idea. Sunlight improves mood and helps you sleep better.

• Take a break

Nurture yourself every single day in small ways. Take a hot bath by yourself. Go outside for a few minutes and breathe deeply. Say your prayers, journal, pursue a hobby that you love. Even if all you can do are 5 minute increments, take the time!

• Focus on what's truly important

If you're feeling overwhelmed, remind yourself that the most important things on your to do list are your children, not the dishes or the dusty blinds. Put everything aside for 15 minutes and just play with your kids. Have fun, laugh together, spend time in nature together, and enjoy life. The rest can wait. Kids have a way of growing up despite us. And keep hugging those babies!

Carrie Lauth is a Mom of 4 and the host of http://www.NaturalMomsTalkRadio.com. For more information on having more fun as a Mom, visit: http://www.MomsWisdom.com

Teaching Patriotism To Our Children

Writen by Steven Coffman

Since September 11, 2001 Independence Day for the United States on July 4th has been especially poignant. While there has been a surge in patriotism, we all need to maintain a sense of pride and love for our country whether we are at war or in peace time.

Children need to feel a sense of belonging too, in their family, their classrooms and in their country. They will thrive in an environment of respect, compassion and stability. If we as parents teach our kids to love, honor, show compassion and respect for their country as well as for their fellow man, they will not only be graced by a sense of patriotism, they will become better citizens, and in turn role models for our future generations.

One of our greatest challenges as parents is to raise our children to be honorable and respectful adults. Adopting a path of patriotism is a good reinforcement for them to show honor and a sense of ethics.

Our babies learn kindness at first from our gentle touch; they also learn self-esteem by our praise and respect. They mostly learn these living examples from their parents and at school. We are responsible for teaching them to respect and be kind to others, regardless of our differences. We are also responsible for teaching them to keep their community clean, and to trust that their country will defend and protect them as best it can. I truly believe they should be taught to revere their country's flag and all it stands for as well.

Children should be taught that, while it might be "legal" to burn their country's flag as an expression of individual freedom, they would be hard-pressed to get this past Mom and Dad if they ever entertained the idea! This is the posture that a good parent should adopt.

Children need to know they are a very large and integral part of their country's make up. They are the future parents and government that will uphold the morals and ethics inherited from their parents and grandparents.

Is it too much to ask that our children be patriotic, actively show patriotism, honor their flag, and stand up for what's right and good about their country? I don't think so.

It is our job to instill a sense of honor and patriotism in their young hearts, offering them the opportunity to love and honor their country and its flag. In doing so, their actions will be seen as a good example for their country to show mankind and the world.

As much as we want our children to love their country, we also need to recognize the importance of global relationships in today's world. Setting good examples of patriotism should, in turn, teach our kids that every person counts, no matter where they live, or who they might be, or what country they represent.

We at Family-eStore try to provide you with articles of interest to a Patriotic way of life. Some of the Patriotic articles are written by me Steven E Coffman "Owner" of Family eStore. These Patriotic articles are only intended to show pride and patriotism to our land of the free and home of the brave, (The United States of America). I hope that you enjoy and are enlightened by them.

Managing Your Stepfamily

Writen by Garrett Coan

If you are a member of a stepfamily, you know how difficult it can be to integrate all of the new members and adjust to the new boundaries and rules. The following ideas may help you make a successful transition during this challenging process.

Have patience. Establishing new families takes time. Just because you love your new partner, it is unrealistic to think that you will automatically love his or her children. It is equally unrealistic to expect that your new partner's children will instantly love you. It can be difficult to accept that even though you wish to have a relationship with your stepchildren, they may not be ready for a relationship with you.

Expect to adjust. With proper help and guidance, children can recover from family disruption. All children experience a difficult adjustment period following a divorce or remarriage.

It takes time, patience, and perhaps some professional assistance, but most children are able to regain their emotional bearings. It is critical that the adults manage their own emotional recovery in order to help the children adjust without trauma.

If you are part of a part-time stepfamily, you may need a longer adjustment period. All relationships take time to grow and develop. When stepchildren see you less often, you have less time to get to know each other. This is why it may take a part-time stepfamily longer to move through the adjustment process.

Don't expect your new family to be like your first family. If you expect that your stepfamily will be just like the family of your first marriage, you are setting yourself up for frustration. Your new family will have its own unique identity and will evolve in its own special way.

Expect confusion. Forming a stepfamily is a confusing time for everyone. Think about how confusing it is for a child to become part of two new families. All of the family members—parents and children—must learn to understand the new structure and learn to navigate the boundaries.

Allow time for grieving. Stepfamilies begin with an experience of loss, and everyone needs to grieve. The adults' losses are not the same as those of the children, and both must be respected. Adults grieve the following losses:

• The loss of a partner

• The loss of a marriage relationship

• Lost dreams of the way they thought it would be

• They must adjust to changes that result from the divorce or death (moving to a new house, starting a new job, adjusting to changes in lifestyle, etc.)

Children grieve, too. Their losses are usually different from those of their parents:

• They may now be living with one parent instead of two.

• They may have less time with one or both parents during times of dating and remarriage.

• There may be less stability in their homes.

• They must adjust to changes that result from the divorce or death. (They may have a new place to live and go to a new school; they may have lost friends in this process.)

• They have lost the fantasy of how they wanted their family to be.

Children have an especially difficult time resolving their grief when their parents are hostile with one another, when one or both of their parents remarry, and if they have trouble accepting their new stepparents.

Acknowledge the absent parent. When one of the original parents is absent, the children need a special kind of understanding. An absent parent (who has died or who lives elsewhere and doesn't visit) is part of a child's past. The child must be allowed to have memories of this parent. The children who have access to both of their parents are those who adjust the best to divorce. They should be allowed to regularly speak with, visit, and write to their noncustodial parent.

Help the kids fit in. Children of stepfamilies belong to two households. It is understandable that they have questions about where they fit in. They are usually able to adjust to having two sets of rules as long as they are not asked to choose which is better.

Be clear about the rules. Ideally, both sets of parents should discuss the family rules and what will happen if rules are broken. When the adults agree on the rules, they should explain them to the children. Most successful stepfamilies have learned that the rules should be decided together in the beginning, and that the biological parent should do the explaining and disciplining. The stepparent may have more involvement after the relationships with the stepchildren have been established. All of this works best when the parents can agree to be flexible and cooperative with one another. This may be difficult immediately following a divorce or remarriage, but it is important to work toward this objective.

Educate yourselves and seek emotional support. Read books about managing stepfamilies, attend classes, and participate in stepfamily support groups. Seek the help of an experienced mental health professional to help you through the rough spots. Marriage and Family Therapists have specific skills and training for working with families and stepfamilies.

Give the kids their own space. Make physical space available for the children who don't live with you. Children need a sense of belonging. Creating a room or section of a room for visiting children will help them feel like part of your family.

Expect them to think it's temporary. Accept the fact that your children may expect you and their other parent to reconcile. They may fantasize that your new relationship with your partner is only temporary. This is especially true in the beginning. Find a time to sit down with the children and explain that when two people are unable to live together anymore, it doesn't mean they love their children any less. This is especially important for the parent who has moved away, since the children will inevitably feel a sense of rejection.

Expect resentment. No matter how good a parent you are, you will never be the biological parent of your stepchildren. It is natural for a stepchild to feel some resentment for you, especially when you are setting limits for their behavior.

Show the children love. Sometimes children need love the most at a time when it is the most difficult to give it to them. While bad behavior should never be rewarded, always praise children when they are behaving well.

Garrett Coan is a professional therapist,coach and psychotherapist. His two Northern New Jersey office locations are accessible to individuals who reside in Bergen County, Essex County, Passaic County, Rockland County, and Manhattan. He offers online and telephone coaching and counseling services for those who live at a distance. He can be accessed through http://www.creativecounselors.com or 201-303-4303.

Why Is Tuition Not Helping Your Children In Their Studies

Writen by Alvin Poh Hee Kwang

Since I started working in the educational industry, I got many opportunities to talk to parents and to know about the various concerns parents have for their children in term of schools and education.

It is no surprise that many parents today (especially in Singapore) engage tutors to give their children tuition. In fact, I know of many children having private tuition for many years. And there are parents spending $200 to $400 each month just on tuition for their children.

That's a lot of money, isn't it? It is no surprise that the private tuition industry in Singapore is a million dollar business every year.

Having said that, many parents whom I have spoken to, very openly shared with me that their children's school results do not seem to improve in spite of the tuition.

In fact for some of them, their school results actually deteriorate as they move higher in the education system. These parents feel quite discouraged too. They really want to do something to help their children to improve; however other than engaging tutors for their children, they just don't know what else they can do. And ironically, tuition does not help them and they are spending so much money on it.

Personally I have nothing against tuition. On the contrary, I truly believe that tuition can be helpful for students who have a weak foundation in the subject. With the guidance from good tutors, these students can build their foundation and they can progress with more confidence and achieve better grades.

Having said that, why are so many children not doing well in their school despite having private tuition?

In fact, one parent told me recently that her son who is now in Secondary 4, has private tuition in Math since the beginning of Primary 3 - and that's a total of 7 years. And during these 7 years, the family has spent around $10,000 just on Math tuition alone. And the result is - his grade before the tuition is 51% while in Primary 3 and in last year's final year exams (i.e. in Secondary 3), her son's Math result is 59.5%. A mere of improvement of only 8.5% over the 7-year period!

There are a few possible reasons why students are not doing well despite having tuition at home. However there are two very important and common reasons to this issue but are unknown to many parents, teachers and students. They are:

1. Students are not aware of what they don't know

The beginning of true wisdom is to learn the art of knowing what you don't know. Exams result is simply a reflection of what we know and don't know about a specific subject. For example, if a student scores 40% for his math exams, what this means is that he has yet to understand 60% of his math work. The way to improve his grade is to know what are the things that he still doesn't know, and then look for ways to help him learn and understand those things. Once he can do that, he will be able to answer all the questions and hence improve his grade.

Unfortunately many students do not know what they don't know about the subject that they are learning. Hence regardless of how much time they spend studying for the subject or how much tuition they take, as long as their learning is not addressing the things that they don't know, they are not going to improve.

2. Students are not using the right learning techniques to help them learn the content

Attending lessons in school and going for tuition class have one thing in common. That is, students are learning the content of the subject. Although our students progress from one level to the next in the education system, majority of them are not taught the learning techniques to help them understand and absorb those content that the teachers and tutors expect them to learn.

Without the right learning techniques, no matter how much content we pile up on our children, they simply do not have ability to absorb them.

Most of our students only know one learning technique - rote learning i.e. learning by repetition. Rote learning is bad because using this method, students are simply memorising, but without much understanding. Hence that is why they are not able to store the information in their longer term memory that will help them do well in their exams.

The key to helping student to improve their school results is to first equip them with advanced learning techniques that not only help them commit the information into their long term memory, understand the concepts and able to recall the information from their sub-conscious mind whenever it is required. And these can only be achieved by making the learning process fun, enjoyable and easy for the brain.

Article by Alvin Poh, founder of Learning Champ, a parenting wesbite that provides information and resources to parents, who want to help their children develop the important skills and mind set for a brighter future -> http://www.learningchamp.com

Tips For Parents Of Teenagers Dont Just Survive Thrive

Writen by Sue Blaney

What makes parenting so challenging at times? One widespread research study reports that feeling "unprepared" tops the list for many parents' causes of dissatisfaction. And parents of teenagers, in particular, may feel this acutely as so many changes converge at once: adolescents are changing in every conceivable way while they often push parents away in their search for individuality. That this often happens during parents' own mid-life changes only adds to the poignancy of this period in a family's life.

So how can parents prepare for this dynamic journey? Here are some tips:

Learn about adolescent development

You probably read about babies before your first child was born. You had a pretty fair idea about developmental time frames – when he would see you in focus, when she would begin to crawl, etc. Adolescents are, in many ways, changing as dramatically as they were as small babies – and yet many parents don't make the time to learn about what is happening developmentally to their teenager. Information and knowledge will shed light on this puzzle, and it will enhance your understanding and your ability to provide support.

Here's an example: Teenagers may look like adults, but they are not. Their brains are still under development, which causes them to be more impulsive, more spontaneous and developmentally not ready to foresee the consequences of their actions. Knowing this - and knowing that developmentally they are not ready for certain levels of responsibility- can help you better manage your expectations and your relationship.

Put YOU into the equation

The issues that really get intense for parents aren't always about the teenager – sometimes, parental issues are at the heart of the situation, and adults need to be able to separate this out and view the situation objectively. Remember, you are changing and developing too, and redefining the nature of your relationship with your teenager can bring up issues for you. It is imperative that parents examine themselves, their behavior, objectives and beliefs in the context of their family dynamics.

It is too easy to be habitual in our responses to children. Yet, you can see the growth and changes that are occurring with your teenagers – they are changing in dramatic ways. It stands to reason, then, that parents need to examine the rules, roles and relationships to make sure they're adjusting for all this change. That requires self-examination.

Talk to your peers

Many parents find themselves feeling alone, and in their alone-ness they lose the ability to see the similarities in their experiences with those of other parents. There is so much you can gain by talking to other people in the same situation you are in. In sharing with others you gain additional perspective, and you are likely to see things in a new light. You may find others who have walked your road and who found other, or better, ways to address similar situations. Allow yourself to learn from them. Develop these friendships and make time to connect with them. Think of it as your own support network where "getting prepared" is one of the beneficial outcomes.

Find the humor

Have you ever noticed how humor can make tension instantly melt away? Some parents just tend to take things too seriously. Consciously look for the humor in situations because it allows you to create an environment of lightness and an attitude where communication is likely to be enhanced. Used appropriately, humor is a tool and a friend.

Take care of yourself

Sacrificing yourself to your children's needs serves nobody – certainly not you, and it actually does a disservice to kids. They benefit from seeing parents as strong, fulfilled individuals who take good care of themselves, and you need nothing less if you are to thrive and grow.

Dr. Laurence Steinberg in his book Crossing Paths; How Your Child's Adolescence Triggers Your Own Crisis says that the parents who thrive during their child's adolescence have genuine and fulfilling interests outside of their parenting role. There is room for family life and career or other outside interests, and those who thrive are people who have both in balance.

Be open to learn from others.

Every day parents are given opportunities to prepare and to learn to be better as parents. Yet many times adults squander the opportunities put in front of us. It's easy to criticize how others handle situations with their teenagers, but if instead, you ask the question "what would I do in that situation?" you can create opportunities to prepare yourself for what you may face. Parents of teenagers are likely to find themselves in situations that are unpredictable. Sometimes kids do crazy things. But if you get in the habit of promoting open-mindedness, and of asking questions and getting facts before you react, you will behave in ways that don't embarrass you during a time of crisis. Parents can develop their own strategies by asking themselves "what would I do?"

Get involved in your child's school life and social life Some parents pull away from their kids during adolescence. Granted, this may seem like what your teen is asking for, but it's not. The character of your involvement may change during this time, but by all means stay connected in meaningful ways. One big way is to know your child's friends. This not only brings pleasure into your life, but it allows you to know more about your child, and from a different perspective.

There's a lot about this stage in a family's life that can create pressure and challenges. Probably only a few escape without a scar or two. It is also a time that is ripe with opportunities for growth for parents - so don't be left behind. There is opportunity for you to thrive as you grow, too.

Sue Blaney Copyright 2004

Sue Blaney is the author of Please Stop the Rollercoaster! How Parents of Teenagers Can Smooth Out the Ride and Practical Tips for Parents of Young Teens; What You Can Do to Enhance Your Child's Middle School Years. As a communications professional and the parent of two teenagers, she speaks frequently to parents and schools about parenting issues, improving communications and creating parent discussion groups. Visit our website at http://www.PleaseStoptheRollercoaster.com

Is Your Preschooler Gifted

Writen by Marilynn McLachlan

Giftedness is being identified with increasing frequency as more people come to understand what giftedness is. Most children will be identified as gifted during the school years, but gifted children are 'different' than the norm, even from the youngest age. While there are many checklists and observational scales to help identify preschool giftedness, there are ten key behaviours that most gifted preschoolers will display.

They need little sleep!
While many people think that toddlers need to sleep twelve hours a night, research confirms that most babes will wake up several times a night – this is normal!

For parents of a gifted preschooler, the pressures are even harder. These children do not need the same amount of sleep as the average child. The difference here, though, is that if the baby or toddler is given minor stimulation (a book, a song, a few toys) they will be content. That is, if they are distressed parents will need to look for another reason for their wakefulness. So, a gifted baby or toddler will be awake but happy.

Demanding of attention!
Here, again, all babies and toddlers will demand attention! They rely on parents to keep them informed of what is going on around them. The difference here is that gifted preschoolers will demand to observe and participate in the world. They may be happy as long as they are propped up, being spoken to and able to absorb everything that is going on around them.

Speech either develops early, or very late (after the age of three)! Gifted babies and preschoolers tend not to fit into the normal pattern of language development. They are either speaking remarkably well (such as fifty words by age one and sentences well before two) or they develop their speech later. This late development of speech has been attributed to many of our society's greats – such as Einstein. What often happens, however, is that these children start talking spontaneously and very well! They have been so focused on observing and absorbing their world that they almost seem to erupt into language.

Very sensitive – to other people's pain, to their environment. From the youngest age, gifted children appear to feel very deeply. They care if there is an argument or if they accidentally kill an insect. They are extremely aware of their environment and are sensitive to color, to sound, and organization.

Marches to their own drum – meaning they don't appear to 'fit in' with other children their age. It can be very confusing to the parent whose child seems to stand out as different. Because they develop differently, they may appear to be emotionally immature (but this may just be a reflection of their extreme sensitivity), or they may be speaking extremely well while their motor skills lag behind. Some parents report that their child develops motor skills at a very fast rate – they are lifting their head and looking around from birth. This kind of difference can be the source of bewilderment to parents! It may be hard to relate to other parents or to share what your child is doing for fear of 'showing off'.

Very observant!
Gifted children do not miss a beat! These children know everything that is going on around them and often will often seek to know something in greater detail. For example, they may not be content to sit and watch TV – they want to know what each and every button is for. They may pull things apart (much to a parent's angst, if it's something important!) They want to know all about that flower pot, what soil tastes like and what that beautiful flower feels like.

Great memory!
These children remember so much – from language (and they use long 'adult' words) to what you said a week ago, to something they did a year ago.

Excellent concentration!
While gifted preschoolers are demanding of attention, once they find something they are interested in, they will sit still and totally concentrate on their finding. Often young children will pick up something and put it down after a few minutes and move onto something else. These children will sit for an hour or more, completely absorbed – whether it be a book they are interested in or a piece of art work or working out how your remote control works.

Bored with repetitive games and toys!
They may not care what other children are doing, so absorbed in whatever adventure they are engaged in at any given moment. They may not like 'toys' as such, preferring to do things that are beyond most other toddlers. Any expensive toys that tell your child how to play will move to the side even quicker than other children! Because they 'get' things so quickly, they find it a waste of time to spend their hours doing something they understand.

Good sense of humour!
Combined with their sensitivity is a great sense of humour – often at an adult level! They can play drama games and tell jokes, make up their own jokes and enjoy life with a beautiful belly laugh that delights all around them!

Marilynn McLachlan, author of 'The NEW Parent Code', Penguin Books, 2005. She is the founder of http://www.generationxparenting.com, Cynical, Creative and Conscious. Sign up for her free monthly e-zine and get parenting information you can use - subscribe@generationxparenting.com For further information about what to do if you think your preschooler may be gifted, visit http://www.generationxparenting.com

Choosing A Boarding School

Writen by Leon Chaddock

Do you have plans to choose a boarding school for your youngster or your young adult? If you do, there are several things that you should take into consideration prior to sending them off. While there are likely to be many schools that interest you right off the bat, you should realize that there is a need for the school to deliver to you certain standards in quality of education and discipline. While every parent has a different reason for sending their child to a boarding school, each parent likely has a different expectation in the school as well.

In order to choose the right one for your child, you should take the time to research several boarding schools. You should look at what they can do for your child and how well your child's personality will fit into their mold. It is important to insure that the beliefs and practices that you want your child exposed to are present in the school. Likewise, it is important to understand the school's ultimate goals for your child.

Ask questions about discipline, learning objectives, how the learning process takes place, and what physical activity they will provide your child with. Understand how your child will be punished for poor behavior and how they will be rewarded for good. Realize how well the school fits into your religious beliefs as well.

The combination of all of these elements will help you to provide the right boarding school for your child. You can begin your search on the web as many of these schools provide a complete guide to the school right on their websites. Learning about the schools can help you to choose those that you want to visit and then choose. When it comes to choosing which one fits the best, find the one that serves your purposes the best and provides for your child's abilities s well.

for more information please see http://www.boarding-school-advice.co.uk

5 Ways To Zap Quotmommy Guiltquot

Writen by Lori Radun

I remember, almost 14 years ago, bringing my son Kai home from the hospital. We had borrowed an old car seat from someone we knew. I placed all 6 lbs 14 oz. of him into the car seat and suddenly burst into tears. The car seat was way too big for him. I really felt I had failed him. I mean what kind of mother doesn't know he needed an infant car seat? The sudden awareness that I didn't know what I was doing hit me like a ton of bricks. The nurses were gone and I was on my own.

From the moment you become pregnant until the day you or your child dies, you try to be the very best mom you can be to your children. It doesn't take long, however, before you make mistakes. Parenting doesn't go as planned. Your children do outrageous things. Accidents happen. Feelings get hurt. Children go down the wrong path. Your marriage struggles. And the feelings of guilt inevitably follow. It doesn't matter if your children are young or grown; motherhood guilt is always a struggle.

So how can you minimize those pesky, guilty feelings? Here are some helpful tips to help you zap the guilt and enjoy the journey of motherhood.

Stop Comparing Yourself and Your Children to Others

Is Kayla sitting up yet? When did Matthew start walking? My child knows all her colors and the whole alphabet and she's only two. Does your son play travel sports? What did your daughter get on the SAT test? My son is 28 and he is still not married. Comparing our children to other children is an easy trap to fall into. But it is not healthy for our children or us as moms because every child is different. They each have different strengths, weaknesses, developmental patterns and personalities. Let your children be who they are and avoid the comparison game.

Just like you shouldn't compare your children to other children, the same goes for you. Let go of any need you have to compare yourself to other moms. Todd Parr wrote a great children's book called "The Mommy Book". In this book, he talks about how all mommies are different. Some mommies like to cook and some like to order pizza. Some mommies work in tall office buildings and some work at home. I have a friend who is the epitome of June Cleaver. Almost all her meals are home cooked. She makes all her children's Halloween costumes. She is totally organized and structured with her children's school work and activities. If I compare myself to her, I am plagued with feelings of guilt. I make Hamburger Helper for my family, purchase all their Halloween costumes and I consistently fail at structure with my kids. But I'm still a great mom, and so is she. It's okay to be different.

Accept Your Limitations as Well as Your Children's

You don't have to be all things to your children and your children don't have to be all things to you. In other words, it's okay if you make mistakes. And your children deserve the same grace. One of the things I often struggle with is thinking I need to be my child's constant playmate. I have to be honest. Sometimes I don't feel like playing cars or looking at another car magazine. Sure, my child may feel disappointed if I say no, but it doesn't mean I am not being a good mother. I have my limits and I need to respect them. All moms have limits. When we go over our limits, we usually become irritable and short-tempered. Exceeding our limits can cause a vicious cycle of behaving in a way that makes us feel guilty.

Your children have limitations too. Just because a child has a bad day of misbehavior doesn't mean you are doing something wrong. While I was on vacation this past week, there were days that my 3-1/2 year old was a little monster. He was in time out constantly. Of course, all the other little children around were perfectly well behaved. At one point, I was exasperated and I asked my aunt, "What is wrong with him?" My aunt reassured me that he is fine - he's just being a kid. It's times like this that we often question our parenting. Sometimes I think it's helpful to just understand that motherhood has its good days and bad days and it has very little to do with our ability to parent our children.

Apologize When You Are Wrong

Let's face it. Sometimes we blow it. We say or do something to our child that we immediately regret. If this ever happens to you, apologize immediately. Our children then learn that we are human and we make mistakes. Children are very forgiving and forgiveness conquers guilt. There is nothing more humbling than being able to admit when we behaved in a way we know is wrong.

Right after we took the pacifier away from our preschooler, he decided he wasn't going to take naps. My son went from taking a 3 hour nap everyday to taking no nap at all. One day, after trying for several days and failing, I was insisting my son take a nap. I was tired and I needed a break more than he did. My little strong-willed boy was determined to stay awake. Not only was he refusing to sleep, he was also refusing to stay in his bed. His attitude was one of defiance and his fighting was wearing me down. After several attempts to make him nap, I lost my temper. I yelled at him and told him he was going to take a nap. In utter frustration and anger, I spanked him and stormed out of his bedroom.

The guilt smacked me in the face. I treated my son in a way I totally disagreed with. I don't believe in spanking, especially when one is angry. I immediately went to God and pleaded for forgiveness. Not only did I apologize to God, but I had a long heart to heart talk with my little guy. I told him how sorry I was and explained that I was angry. He told me he was mad too. We hugged and made up. I knew then I had been forgiven by both God and my son.

Don't Buy Into Others Attempts to Make You Feel Guilty

Everyone has their own set of rules and values they live by. Oftentimes, when people can't accept differences in other people, they impose their opinion, often resulting in attempts to instill guilt, conscious or not. At the end of the summer, I took a 3 day retreat to reenergize. I went to Door County by myself and had a wonderful time shopping, watching movies, reading, and sightseeing. Upon my return home, I was faced with disapproving remarks from my mother-in-law. She couldn't understand how I could go on a vacation by myself. I knew in my heart and soul that I did nothing wrong, despite how others might have viewed the retreat.

Children are really great at attempting to manipulate with guilt. They know our buttons and are very aware of what tugs on our heart. My teenager is very skilled at using guilt to try and get his way. He'll say, "I never get to do anything fun" or "You never spend any time with me". He knows that it's important to me that I spend time with him, so he uses that to pull on my heart strings. Stay strong and secure with who you are as a mother and these attempts to make you feel guilty will fall by the wayside.

We are Not Responsible for Everything our Children Do

Just because we gave birth to our children does not mean we are responsible for all their behaviors. Children have a mind of their own and often don't listen to the wisdom we give. We can be the best mom and our children will still make mistakes that take us by surprise. One evening I was babysitting my friend's little baby. The evening was going along just fine until I had to feed the baby. My 3 year old was sitting next to me, watching me spoon the barley cereal into the little guy's mouth. I was holding the bowl in one hand and the spoon in the other. Don't ask me what provoked my child, but in 1 second flat, he had smacked the bowl of cereal out of my hand. The bowl of cereal, on its way to the back of the couch, ricocheted off the baby's eyebrow, leaving a big bump on his head. Cereal was everywhere, including in the baby's eye. I now had a hysterical infant and a laughing preschooler. Call it jealousy, or call it curiosity, but I can assure you I never taught my child to behave like that. Although I was horrified by my child's behavior, I knew that I was not to blame for his outburst. I am his mom, and I am responsible for teaching him right from wrong, but I cannot always control how my children behave.

Unless you are severely neglecting your child or setting a very bad example for your children, there is no reason for you to feel guilt. God chose you to be the mother of your children, and He doesn't make mistakes. God does not expect you to be a perfect mother and he does not expect you to raise perfect children. So relax, have confidence, and enjoy the journey of motherhood.

Lori Radun, CEC - certified life coach for moms. To

get her FREE newsletter and the special report "155 Things Moms Can Do to

Raise Great Children", go to http://www.true2youlifecoaching.com