Writen by Jan Verhoeff
You know who you are, a parent of a teenager. You're the one with blood shot eyes, more gray hair than you had yesterday, and empty pockets. Yeah, it's those empty pockets that get you. When you realize those three things, you'll know you're parenting a teenager…
Step #1 – Start before they start talking back, explain to your children when they are very young that you are the boss and you expect them to obey. Allow them to suffer consequences of simple injustices, early on. If you tell them No, they will fall down, and they go ahead and start to climb on the couch, show them the floor. Gently of course!
Step #2 – Always have an appropriate punishment available when natural consequences are not happening. A natural consequence of disobedience happens without parental interference, and often without your actual knowledge. If there are natural consequences, you don't have to issue punishment. If not, however, it is best to issue a punishment that fits the crime. Just be sure you aren't punishing yourself in the process.
Step #3 – Communication is the key. If you can't talk to your child, they can't talk to you. Communication is mutual. If you find you always are scolding your child, that isn't communication. Much of disciple comes not from the punishment, but from understanding the proper way to behave. Chatter about the good things, compliment them, and share the rewards you've received for appropriate behavior. Comment on their friends who behave well, or your friends who don't. Talk to your kids.
Step #4 – Time is a definite component of building a relationship. When was the last time you spent some serious TIME with your child? I mean the kind of time where you wish you could stay longer. Taking my daughter to school, since she attends a class there after home schooling for 10 years, is a real experience for both of us. Most mornings, we chatter about the weather, her classes, or some other significant topic. This morning, we talked about the importance of chocolate in the lives of girls. This is important stuff she needs to know, and only I can share it with her.
Just so you don't think my daughter's get extra time, I want to share a discussion I had with my son last night. Completely awesome talk about swords; he told me how they made the, and what they were for, and then explained to me that if we still had fire breathing dragons, I'd have to take a "knight" with me wherever I went, to fight off the fire breathing dragons. He's 10 and completely convinced it's his responsibility to make the world safe for inhabitation.
Step #5 – Don't give them everything they want. Sometimes, just say no because you can. I know this may sound a bit mean and cruel, but the reality is our children don't need everything they ask for, when they ask. Sometimes, they need to earn their way, and know the actual value of what they want. Occasionally, even if you can afford to give your children everything they ask for, don't.
Step #6 – Teach by example. IF you think for one moment your children will do as you say and not as you do, your thinking is messed up. If you smoke, they probably will too. If you drink, they probably will too. If you run around on your spouse, they probably will too. Teach by doing the right thing, so your children can learn from your example. And if you do screw up, be willing to admit you were wrong.
Step #7 – If you teach your child nothing else in life, teach them about unconditional love. Accept your children for who and what they are, and love them. Show them where you want them to go, and just love them through whatever phase they are in. Let them know you care and you will be there. Don't change their consequences for them, but be there to encourage them through the good choices and the bad choices.
As a single parent, the hardest thing I've had to learn is that when I change my children's consequences, it takes them longer to learn the lesson.
You're in the game for the whole show, not just a battle or two. Be sure you come out on the other side with scars you won't mind sharing! Go in with the shield of good parenting from the beginning, and a relationship with your child that can't be broken.
Jan Verhoeff is a home school mom, with four children. One in college, three in high school and junior high levels, who are accomplishing great things, and achieving their goals. Visit her weblog at http://homeschool101.blogspot.com
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