Bad Mama Blues

Writen by Sara Poginy

I'm familiar with guilt. I grew up in a pretty strict Catholic [mobile] home and was there when they doled out everyone's share. But no one told me, and I wasn't aware, that when I had my child, I would be handed out a whole other share of it. I guess maybe it's something "they" don't talk about or maybe other people don't feel it as much because they were not raised in Nazi-regime Catholicism. Either way, I just wasn't aware that it would be hitting me the second she shot out the chute.

I remember in the beginning it was always guilt about not enjoying getting up in the night seventeen times. Or about the fact that nursing hurt and I was not the picture-perfect woman in the whispery-white negligee feeding her child in the moonlight (rather, I would cry and tense up and crouch in a corner praying to the goddess of nipples to make the pain go away).

Now it's more about interaction. I feel as though we should have a schedule for everything:

7:30am - wake
7:35am - describe the morning light as it shines into the room and get her opinion on it
7:40am - get self bathed and dressed, get baby bathed and dressed
7:50am - have organic breakfast prepared for self and baby, have organic, free-trade, half-decaf coffee brewing
8:00am - feed baby organic breakfast while simultaneously giving cat organic treats
8:05am - clean baby with organic wipes while describing the process of cleaning oneself
8:10am - go through colors with baby using oil pastels and easel
8:12am - put away easel, take out miniature french horn
8:15am - listen to and teach baby how to play miniature french horn
8:25am - watch baby practice Irish jig dancing and give short commentary on the country of Ireland and its political strife
8:35am - go through body parts with baby using anatomically correct terms (armpit=axillary region) and so on…

Alas, our "schedule" goes loosely like this:

anywhere between 6:30-8:30am - wake
8:35am - place baby on floor with remote control, giving me a precious two more minutes of shut-eye
9:00am - finally roll out of bed and put on same sweat pants that were worn yesterday
9:15am - go downstairs and start making cereal for baby
9:20am - place baby in high chair and remember cereal on stove
9:21am - clean up cereal on stove that has boiled over and scrape "clean" cereal into baby's bowl
9:23am - feed baby while checking cell phone to see if any "adults" that speak English have called
9:25am - give baby sweet potato puffy thingies in order to buy a few seconds to go pee
9:30am - put baby back on floor to play while trying to clean the kitchen, realize it's too quiet and find baby playing in cat's litter boxes (I won't go further - don't want to incriminate myself…)

So, as you can see, there are no mini french horns in our future. We do read books about colors, but I'm afraid I bore her because just likes the concept of turning pages and doesn't seem to care about "red apples!" I try to explain things I'm doing, but she always seems busy chasing the cat and doesn't care how one makes coffee. I notice that I tend to gravitate towards the computer so that I can somehow "interact" with others who speak my language. Yet, I have committed to not being on the computer too long when she's awake…don't want to be emotionally absent.

I'm stuck in a quandry. Maybe this is just how it is. Maybe people don't get up and dress their babies in kilts in order to practice their jigs. But maybe they do. And this is what I fear.

I am a mother who is committed to staying home with my child. I am also committed to finding ways to supplement our income from home; ideally I'd like to do this through writing, as this is my passion. I am often sarcastic, cynical and raw in my writing. I am always honest.