Writen by Mark Davis
It was about 7AM on a Saturday morning, and I was just turning over to position myself for another 3 or 4 hours of sleep. All of a sudden, I feel a gentle tap on my bare shoulder blade. I slowly open my eyes to find the biggest doe eyes staring at me. The little four-year-old princess standing beside the bed whispered, "I'm hungry." I glanced at my wife, who was lying as motionless as possible, and I slid out of the cozy bed to prepare bacon and eggs. That's when I realized the change. I'm not step-dad anymore. I'm a real father.
When I was single, I always avoided relationships with women who had children. I dated quite a bit, so I was not desperate to get married. And while most adult relationships eventually approach the possibility of marriage through conversation or habitation practices (living together), it seemed as if women with children were understandably preoccupied with the notion. I wasn't…until I started dating Donna. The difference that I experienced in a relationship with Donna and her children helped me to open my eyes about the idea of a ready-made family.
The best advice that I could give to a man who is considering a relationship with a single mother is to get to know the woman first. Try not to "jump in" too quickly. Let her really get to know you and your habits as you date, and slowly begin spending time with her and the children together. Don't spend an excessive amount of time with her children until you have made a commitment to stay in their lives. Some children are emotionally devastated by sudden changes, so make sure that you are not setting them up for a major disappointment.
After you've established some stability in their lives by marrying their mom, it's time for you to establish your own personal relationship with them. When my children first met me, they appropriately called me "Mr. Mark". As my wife and I were dating, they called me "Daddy Mark". Now after two years of marriage, they call me "Dad". I never asked them to call me anything. I let the way they feel about me dictate how they address me. Of course, this wouldn't work if I had two disrespectful problem children. They wouldn't have had a chance to call me anything if that was the case. Their mother and I would have never made it to the altar.
What I'm saying is this: though your primary relationship is with their mom, a potential step-father has to establish a solid bond with the children to make it a real family. At our wedding ceremony, I made a vow to my new children after I made the traditional "Take thee" vows to my wife. I promised them that although I would never try to replace their biological father, I will always love them like a father. You see, I believe that the "step" can be taken away without request when you take a major step of care and responsibility.
The only problem in this thought is that caring for someone can't be taught. You have to genuinely feel a specific way, and then act what you feel. And when you really care about someone, you'll want to hang around them. Go shopping. Go to church, to the barbershop, and everywhere else that we find ourselves week in and week out. It'll be pretty obvious in a short period of time if you're genuinely wanting to spend quality time with your children, or if you're just trying to appease their mother.
When Donna and I were first married, I overheard my son Evens call me his step-dad to one of his friends. I had no right to protest, so I didn't. Now, only two years later, I noticed that most of his friends initially think that I'm his biological father (until I have to tell them that he's visiting his father in Virginia every other weekend). My daughter, Josie, has never let on to her friends that I wasn't her father. But I think that's just because I make good breakfast food.
Mark Davis is a high school English teacher in Baltimore, Maryland. He lives with his beautiful wife, Donna, and their children, Evens and Josie.
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