Writen by Cheng Cheng Tan
Have you noticed if that your child have been giving excuses for not going to school?
I noticed that when my elder son, Zhi Yang, was three years old, he started giving excuses for not going to school. He claims that he wants to stay at home. When questioned why, he simply kept quiet.
It suddenly dawned on me that he could have some unpleasant experiences in school. I questioned him further and he claims that his classmate, Johnny, hit him using a ruler.
Immediately, I realised that I could have overlooked bullying in schools and decided to take some action so that my son will not be afraid to go to school.
I did not confront Johnny nor his parents as I did not witness the bullying incident myself. I did, however, alert the school teachers about it.
The Principal, Eileen, is a a very experienced and patient teacher. She listened to what I had to say and I asked her to take note of my son and Johnny. She assured me that she would look into the matter.
Few days later, Eileen pulled me aside to talk to me. She said she talked to the other teachers and students and found out that Johnny actually did hit my son with a ruler. She had already made Johnny apologize for it. I was relieved and thanked her for finding out the truth.
Bullying in school is quite common and parents need to equip children with the knowledge and know-how of how to deal with bullies.
A child who is being called a "Fat Whale" three times a day will definitely not grow up feeling very confident about herself. The child will have to carry this baggage for the rest of his or her life if parents do not notice and put a stop to it. Children can becomes very bitter in extreme cases and constantly think that they are useless.
Bullying can come in several forms like verbally calling names, fighting and bullies taking the victim's things without permission.
Parents have to take note of any changes in behaviour of a child. It could bruises, cuts or worse still blood dripping. Older kids may need more pocket money, more stationeries (e.g. pens, pencils) or could come home with dirty clothes more frequently. Children could be more withdrawn and do not want to talk as much. They fear that if they tell their parents, parents may think they are the ones who did the wrong thing first.
Here are some tips for parents and children regarding bullies:
- As mentioned above, getting the teachers and principal to help is one of the things parents can do.
- Do something different.
For example, if the bully constantly calls your child 'fat slob'. The time the bully comes near, get your child to say "I may be fat but you are ugly and that is worse. I can lose weight but you can NEVER change the way you look".
Role play with your child. Let your child be the bully, then the next time round let your child be the victim. Let him have a feel of how a bully think and so your child will not have to be afraid of the bully.
- Do not give the bully what he wants.
Why does the bully want to bully a child? The bully want the victim to cry and then everyone will laught at the victim.
With the support of parents, teach your child not to react to such nasty remarks. Instead, just stand up and walk off. Teach your child to learn to pretend as if he had not heard anything.
It will take some time before the bullies know that it is not fun anymore and they will stop. Parents and the child need to persist and win over the bully. You could teach your child about winning, persistance and even helping other children next time.
- Teach your child to make more friends.
A bully usually bully timid and lonely kids. Ask your child to have more friends around him and stand by him. If there are people in the group on the same side as your child, the bully is much less likely to take action. Remember unity is strength.
We learn that the child's social skills are very important and can help him in many more ways than one. A child with many friends never feels lonely or lost and if he needs help, he know who to ask. Of course, they have to be the right kind of friends too.
- Teach your child to be assertive.
Be firm and tell the bully the stop what he does or he will report it to the teacher. Let him practice by saying 'I do not like you to...................... Please stop now or I will let the teacher know.'
- Support your child.
Remember all the love and 'I love you' you have given to your child. Ensure him that you are always there for him and will always support him. Make him feel invincible and he can take on the world even if he is alone.
With all these, I am almost certain your child can face up to any bully and handle the bully. I strongly believe all kids are special and no one deserves to be bullied.
Cheng Cheng is an Asian mother(Singaporean) with two boys age about four and five. I have learnt a lot from them, other parents and books. I strongly believe that there must be a balance between love and discipline. Building confidence in a child is also important so that he can face the world without me one day. Find out more about how parenting can be fun and easy at http://www.raisingconfidentkids.com
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