Writen by Kelly Nault
The first major challenge when it comes to conflict is that we are taught to win at the expense of others. When we get into a fight or disagreement, it's as if many of us step into a boxing ring and fight against one another—instead of realizing that we are actually on the same team.
Three Conflict Response Styles and Strategies
When we play the adversarial game of conflict, there needs to be a winner and a loser. During a conflict with at least two opponents, the following two strategies are typically used:
1. "Punch Response" – This involves one fighter getting caught up in the heat of the moment and letting it rip—no holds barred. "Punches" below the belt include berating, demanding, accusing and defending. This style also includes physical abuse, yelling, screaming, and saying things that we might regret later on. Generally, even if one opponent wins, the other finds ways to get back at him or her in the next rematch.
2. "Pull Back Response" – With this strategy, one person will choose to be the ostrich with its head in the sand. This opponent will call a "timeout", so to speak. But this only postpones the game, since all timeouts come to an end. One can pull back by withholding sex (or love), using the silent treatment, taking long timeouts of hours or days, or by ignoring the issue entirely (which ultimately leads to an explosive match later on).
The above two response styles are doomed to failure simply because they make the other person the enemy—the person to beat (emotionally or verbally).
There is another conflict response style, however, that leads to greater understanding and resolves conflicts. It places the other person into the role of partner—an ally sharing a common goal of transforming conflict into harmony.
3. "Potential Response" – This strategy focuses on the potential of working towards a common goal to find a mutually beneficial solution that can lead to a "win" for the entire team. Those who use this conflict response style know that sometimes we must move through the darkness of conflict to get to the light of deeper connection. From this position, individuals affirm what is good about their union—knowing that understanding, compromise and compassion will help everyone triumph in the end.
This last approach is the only approach which makes everyone a winner. Perhaps you relate to this style or to the previous two styles. Regardless of which style you lean toward, all of us can learn how to utilize strategies that can prevent conflict from coming between us.
Conflict Resolution: Tips to Ensure We All Win!
If you want to create and maintain harmony in your family, it is important to remember that all our family members (including ourselves) are on the same team. If anyone of us feels like a "loser", it will bring us all down.
One of the best ways to ensure family happiness is to not get into conflict in the first place. Just know that when it comes to parenting, you don't have to restrict, engage or comment—sometimes doing so will only fuel the fire of conflict. Here are three conflict resolution tips that can help keep you out of the parenting "deep end":
1. Notice What You Like about Your Family Members. Human beings thrive with encouragement. The more you notice what it is that you like, the more your family members will be inspired to do more of it.
2. Get a Life! We tend to nag and criticize when we are not happy in our own life. Get a life—a life that you are passionate about—for the sake of your loved ones. The happier and more fulfilled you are, the less you will experience conflict.
3. Practice Doing it Well. When you mess up, apologize (yes, parents can apologize too!). Then perform what I call a "Daring Do Over" from Chapter 9 of my book, When You're About To Go Off The Deep End, Don't Take Your Kids With You. Simply ask to do it over again (like role playing). This time don't just wish you'd done better: actually do better.
We all use different conflict response styles and strategies. The key is to figure out if what we are doing now is working for us or not. If not, then try using the "Potential Response" or a "Daring Do Over" to ensure everyone wins.
Kelly Nault, MA author of When You're About To Go Off The Deep End, Don't Take Your Kids With You inspires moms to put themselves first—for the sake of their children. She shares time-tested tools that motivate children to want to be well behaved, responsible and happy! Sign up for her free online parenting course here.
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